video; unseelie only

[tacticalturtleneck]

Alright, let's get a couple facts straight.

1st -> Fuck the Seelie. Yeah, which one of you asses are going to argue with me about that? It'll be a quick trip to the dungeons for you, King Louis XVI. That's spelled L-o-u-i-s but pronounced in a dumb frog way. Don't get me started.

2nd -> Get your ass over to Archer Point Military Academy. Seriously, learn how to be a good soldier. Girls love soldiers which means you can get some serious bed action as long as you follow what I say.

3rd -> Don't disrespect Darth Wark. He's my chocobro and I will let him remove you from existence if you do. Bros before does, right? [Yes, there is a loud WARK off the screen.] Are girl chocobos called does by the way? I don't even know. Quick, someone find me a bird expert!

4th -> All hot women drink for free here. Considering there is an extreme lack of unhot women using these things, I'm pretty sure that means all of you. Using my bed while I'm in it is also free, hint hint. Psst, that means I'd bang you.

What else am I missing? Fill me in.

Comments

[uneulogized]

Seriously can't tell if I want to punch you or call you my hero. [It's a similar feeling to his conversation with Howard.]

Or to ask if you think this works. Asked another guy that a while ago. He insisted it did.

So, does it work for you? The last bits, obviously, not where you forgot the name of the French language.

[tacticalturtleneck]

Hero, no. Someone who you look up to but never reach, absolutely.

[So punch him, clearly.]

Are you asking if what I do gets me laid all the time? If yes, then absolutely yes. When you have looks as good as mine, you just need to look at a woman and the waterfall in her pants start.

.....French, frogs. Same thing. It's not like they didn't hide behind Americans when the commies were staring at them.

[video]

[chaoticwhimsy]

[After the last few days Lumina has had, there's something reassuring about the absolute nonsense that is Archer at any given time. She looks...tired when she appears, but she's smirking.]

I still can't believe you named him that.

[video]

[tacticalturtleneck]

Dude, how could I not name him that? I've got to get him a box with blinking lights to put on his chest next. This is definitely going to happen.

video;

[extramural]

[ What else is he missing? Well... ]

You remember our conversation last March?

[ you know, the virgin one ]

video;

[tacticalturtleneck]

The one where you haven't banged a single woman in existence so you're going to pretend to be Jesus to get some poon?

video;

[zerotohiro]

[Let's just bypass most of that (though there's a smirk at the name of the chocobo because hey, he can appreciate Archer's taste) and fixate on the one thing that's really grabbed his attention.]

And what do you know about being a good soldier?

video;

[tacticalturtleneck]

Despite being the best secret agent on the planet, undoing the leadership of more third world countries than you can count in hairspikes, and literally completely outdoing the red army, I don't know. What would I know?

Oh wait, just about everything.

video;

[gandere]

I'm not sure which of these issues to tackle first.

[ Because that's what they are apparently. ]

video;

[tacticalturtleneck]

First of all, you can start with getting a skull face and a staff with like....a ram skull on the end of it. Seriously, what is that thing even?

[selfimage]

Isn't this a nice, non-sequitur assortment of facts. I'm disappointed you stopped at four—you could have at least gone for ten.

Perhaps wedge something in there about breakfast meat and the Millennium Falcon.

[tacticalturtleneck]

Yeah, there's a thing called taking a joke too far, asshole. Seriously, the whole Wedge thing? Over the line.

Four is perfect. It's also considered an unlucky number in China so I'm going to keep fucking them over.

[video]

[hiddeninfidelity]

Ignoring for the moment all the other things you just said, did you really name your Chocobo that?

[video]

[tacticalturtleneck]

If that's your first problem, you and I are never getting along. Because that is seriously the best name and anyone who disagrees is an asshole.

video;

[vaccinations]

5th-> Team Dinosaur is still the best La Crosse team.

video;

[tacticalturtleneck]

I don't know, I'm kind of torn. Dinosaurs are pretty awesome but if they're really are just huge birds, you kind of screwed yourself over.

Video

[huntedby]

[She can already feel a headache coming on.]

I hope the ugliest, worst woman here takes you up on that bedding, Archer.

Video

[tacticalturtleneck]

If you're jealous, don't be. You're always welcome.

[cockade]

..........you know King Louis XVI?

[He could comment on all the rest of that, but really, he's from the French Revolution. Archer, why.]

[tacticalturtleneck]

I know like...his head. Holy shit, that was pretty brutal, wasn't it? Ah....those were the days.

[video]

[semiurge]

[ There are so many things wrong with all of that, but addressing it seems kind of...pointless? ]

No comment on the rest of that, but Darth Wark is a really cool chocobo name.

[video]

[tacticalturtleneck]

Because it's perfection incarnate. Both the name and the rest of everything. Party at Archer Point, by the way.

Video

[easternseaqueen]

Did I hear something about free drinks?

Video

[tacticalturtleneck]

Considering how absolutely and totally hot you are, you totally did.

video

[notavirtue]

[Why couldn't one of those collapsing spires been Archer's? Why is this man even still alive after Samhain?]

I question the competence of the soldiers your academy produces.

video

[tacticalturtleneck]

Fine then. I'll just watch as you single-handedly ruin the war effort then. E.T. Asses Home.