eachdraidh | video; unseelie only

Alright, let's get a couple facts straight.

1st -> Fuck the Seelie. Yeah, which one of you asses are going to argue with me about that? It'll be a quick trip to the dungeons for you, King Louis XVI. That's spelled L-o-u-i-s but pronounced in a dumb frog way. Don't get me started.

2nd -> Get your ass over to Archer Point Military Academy. Seriously, learn how to be a good soldier. Girls love soldiers which means you can get some serious bed action as long as you follow what I say.

3rd -> Don't disrespect Darth Wark. He's my chocobro and I will let him remove you from existence if you do. Bros before does, right? [Yes, there is a loud WARK off the screen.] Are girl chocobos called does by the way? I don't even know. Quick, someone find me a bird expert!

4th -> All hot women drink for free here. Considering there is an extreme lack of unhot women using these things, I'm pretty sure that means all of you. Using my bed while I'm in it is also free, hint hint. Psst, that means I'd bang you.

What else am I missing? Fill me in.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Hero, no. Someone who you look up to but never reach, absolutely.

[So punch him, clearly.]

Are you asking if what I do gets me laid all the time? If yes, then absolutely yes. When you have looks as good as mine, you just need to look at a woman and the waterfall in her pants start.

.....French, frogs. Same thing. It's not like they didn't hide behind Americans when the commies were staring at them.

Only if you're taller than me, pal. Hard to tell over >these.

[It's an overly literal way of putting things, but like hell is he going to take his suggestion that he's someone to reach.]

That said ... people keep bringing up commies here. Personally, I try to avoid references like that. Annoying when you've gotta explain them, isn't it?

Look, if I don't have references, I don't have jokes. That's like...the whole point of my TV Show. Which you should watch sometime because it's completely awesome.

I just try to keep my references relevant, but look, what if you had to explain commies to me? Unless you wanted to see if I didn't know what a commie was, just to laugh at me.

[A beat.]

Actually, that sounds right. I've done that one.

No. No.

I just shake my head and am torn between two things. Whether to be sad that they didn't understand the totally awesome zinger I whipped out or to be happy that they don't have to deal with the world of strife brought on by the Reds.

Actually, it's neither. I just tell them to read a goddamn book like they should!

A book that may or may not even be here. Wow, you're such a pal.

What's your TV show about anyway? And is it in black and white? It sounds like it is.

[At this point, he's completely bullshitting.

Especially as he goes on to add:]

Because if that's true, that's not happening. Even if you insist that it's a classic. You're dating yourself.

It's in color! And HD TV too, thank you! Not to mention that both Netflix and Amazon carries it, and Amazon has my book for sale too. You're talking to a real superstar so respect!

Yeah, too bad you can't prove any of that. I'm the next Donald Trump.

Or the son of him.

See? You can't even fact check that.

You do realize that Donald Trump is the only person in the world to have to close a casino because it was running him bankrupt. Yeah, I'd never want to associate myself with that idiot.

I'd be willing to bet you're the only guy who has random belittling factoids on Donald Trump to counter Donald Trump references.

So, sorry to tell ya, pal. You're his number one fan.

I have belittling factoids on just about everything. Because, you know, being a secret agent means you know this stuff. It's not rocket science, Cupid.

Cupid. I don't even know where you got that one.

Because you said I loved Donald Trump. Fakely. And Cupid is fake.

Yeah, I know, I'm not even trying anymore.

Yeah, you sure aren't.

And it sounds like you've got a chip on your shoulder about love. You know. Cupid. Should you really be showing off your issues like that?

No, I do not have any love issues! The person I was going to marry definitely was not killed by the guy I hate, turned into a robot, then cheated on me with the same guy!

....wait, that did happen.

Edited 2015-05-11 23:11 (UTC)

Suddenly getting a little TMI here. Cool your jets, man.

You're the one who asked! Stick your head in a crocodile's mouth and what do you expect to get? Delicious, delicious candy?

Should you be.

Clearly, the answer is no.

I guess we can take something from this.

Should what? Is this some kind of grammar Nazi argument? Okay, Josef Mengele.

Gross. No, I meant, "Should you be talking about matters of the heart?" Or whatever I said. The point of the statement is there. And you shouldn't be.

Also, still gross. Let's not go there.

If you can't handle a little brotalk, what good are you?

You give me drinks for free, I give you all the sympathetic made up bullshit you're asking for.

It's not worth that much. Maybe if you had a prettier face. And a chromosome change.

Give me something good enough to trade and you can have all the alcohol you want.

Y'know, if you made yourself seem more friendly, you could have just as many friends as Ariadne. You could be a stand out guy.

Alcohol? That goes a long way.

[AKA anything he has to offer even in hackneyed BSed arrangements goes to Ariadne first.]

First off, I don't want to have friends like her. I just want to bang her.

Secondly, I work on fair trade here. If it helps, I'm building a super awesome ship and am willing to pay for help.

(no subject)

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