oo1 ⊕ video ⊕ both courts

[falconkick]

Hey, uh. Network. My name's Sam, for those of you I haven't gotten the chance to meet yet.

[ a small smile and a lift of his chin that both say he might genuinely like that chance to meet everyone everywhere at some point. but he's here with something serious today, so he moves right along. ]

I wanted to tell y'all something I like to keep in mind from day to day, but especially on days like the last dozen or so. I'm retired military - Air National Guard pararescue, for any of you that are familiar - but I enlisted a long time ago. Don't ask for a number, a man's gotta keep some secrets.

[ feelin' your age, wilson? his cheeky smile is short lived. ]

When I went to basic, I wasn't exactly itching for a fight, so I wasn't with the other greenies that were disappointed when we started with folding our own bed sheets. My ma raised me right, and the first time I picked up a gun, it was with all due respect to the power they were putting in my hands. I didn't wanna let all that go to my head and forget the responsibility that comes with carrying arms.

[ he purses his lips for a quiet beat, inhales shortly before continuing. ]

Wish I could say the same for the first time I shot a man. My country went to war right after I was accepted into the PJs, and when it was down to me or him, I chose him. Just - [ he makes a small pew gunshot sound, glum; ] - and that was that. I wasn't scared and I didn't feel guilty about it - and that was what stuck with me. I asked my unit, my CO, anyone that would listen. No one could tell me whether or not I was supposed to feel good about killing the "bad guys".

[ another moment's silence - half to find his next words, half out of respect for the dead. he scrubs a hand over his head. ]

Still don't really have an answer, and like I said, it's been a long time. Some days I think I might be close, and other days I ask myself "man, who do you think you're kidding?" Thing of it is - whether or not you think it's for the right reasons, taking someone else's life isn't easy, and it shouldn't be. That kinda thing stains your hands, and then you gotta decide how to live with it. For me, at least, some days are easier than others. And on the days when it's not, I keep looking for an answer.

[ finally, he gives a small, weary smile. the point of this whole thing: trying to get people to talk about it so they don't bottle it in. sam knows where he stands, and it's at the door, trying to open it for others. ]

If you've got any ideas, please, I'd love to hear 'em. Maybe we can trade a few around, see if we can't come up with something new. Either way, today's a good day.

[ dead tired, quiet, but sam still says it with a smile before signing off. ]

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[steeledskin]

[ that kinda thing stains your hands. and almost as though by instinct -- when the phrase hits the lockets -- sansa finds herself scrubbing one palm against the other. the art is in keeping the hands clean; lord baelish had urged her so. it leaved her melancholy.

indeed, the whole of the man's speech has left her feeling melancholy. because soon someone's life will be in her hands -- those clean hands -- and she doesn't yet know what she'll do with the responsibility. ]

Are you a knight, ser?

[ knights are for killing, after all. ]

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[falconkick]

[ sam chuckles quietly, remembering how childishly he'd dressed himself up and play the part of super knight cape man at the feast. hard to imagine it was only two weeks ago with everything that's happened since. ]

No, I'm no knight. Just a soldier - and an ex-soldier, at that.

[ doubly for killing, and with none of the glory that's supposed to be knighthood. for sam, those are fantasy things for costumes and games; reality is a lot less pretty to look at. ]

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[desperate_times]

Oh God, I feel like I'm attending a support group or something.

There aren't enough sessions for that, mate.

[Seriously, if they start counting kills, it could take awhile. Luckily for her, it doesn't haunt her the way it does others. That is lucky, right?]

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[falconkick]

Sweet, that means I'm not losing my touch.

[ actual support group leader sam wilson, hello. ]

Figure if I'm gonna be here awhile, I might as well start now, get as many sessions in as I can. You want me to book you for Friday?

[ it's a joke, mostly! ]

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[depicted]

What of your soul?

[Like a child's fear, it is blurted out, but he never would have had the courage if it weren't Sam, and certainly he wouldn't have paused then, pressed his lips together, brought himself together to look back up at Sam. Sam inspires confidence and trust like that.]

It stained your hands . . . but you were a soldier. It was what you had to do. So did it stain your soul?

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[falconkick]

[ this is exactly why he wanted to talk to people about it. when sam speaks, it's with a certainty that comes from personal experience. one that didn't come without his own fears and failures. ]

No. It didn't.

[ certainty, but it's no simple thing to state, so sam thinks on it a beat before holding up his hands to the camera. ]

See, my hands you can touch, grab, put 'em where you need 'em. [ like around the hilt of a gun; sam drops one and thumps his chest with the other. ] But my soul? It's a little more protected. It can be stained of something cuts deep enough, but I didn't let it. I wouldn't.

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[sangilak]

[ korra's only ever purposefully killed one person in her life, and that was only because she couldn't separate his spirit from the spirit of darkness and chaos that threatened the world. and really, when it came down to either "the world" or "darkness," korra chose the world.

there's a brush at the back of her mind, a thought, a feeling brought on by this post; redgate. she'll never forget what happened, and she's paying her dues for it out here on the western road, but she'll always wish she could forgive herself for what her actions caused. alyosha seemingly had — two people who met on the battlefield, fighting for what they believed in — so why couldn't she? ]

I don't think there is an answer for that.

[ she wishes she could be like kyoshi sometimes, justify it to herself by saying she did what needed to be done. but that was never the type of avatar korra wanted to be. she wanted to do real good in the world, and she still has a lot to learn. ]

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[falconkick]

[ sam's worked long enough with battle-wounded soldiers not to be surprised where they come from anymore. she was loud and bright when they met, the kind of free spirited joy that sam treasures like nobody's business - and he's still not surprised to know this exists on the other side of it. ]

Exactly. I've spent this long thinking about it, trying to figure it out - I think if I ever do settle on any one answer, that means I've lost sight of what's really important here. That struggle, to decide between what's right and what's wrong? It keeps us human.

[ he really needs her to know that it's not a bad thing. ]

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[gordianknots]

You're doubtlessly going to get a lot of the same responses of "there's no answer." But I think the better way to phrase that is there's no universal answer, and that these questions and how one deals with them must be taken one day at a time. 1 year versus 10 years perspective is also a massive factor.

You do what works best for you, in the end. That's the most anyone can do.

[falconkick]

[ got it in one, waver. it makes sam smile behind his locket, however gravely. ]

You wouldn't believe how many people have a hard time accepting that. I think we like the idea of finding a "cure" to our problems, one straight shot to being "better". Some people don't like being told healing is a process.

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[benumbing]

[His attention was piqued by the mention of military. But the longer Jack listens, the more he's reminded of David Shepherd. A compliment or an insult, even he's not sure.]

The first kill is never easy. But after that? [Jack smiles a little before lifting a glass of amber colored liquid to his lips, taking a long drink.] You can't be damned twice, right?

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[falconkick]

[ ah, the drink. an easy comfort, and a familiar one at that. jack looks so young. ]

I dunno about that. My country's pretty fond of giving folks multiple life sentences.

[ a healthy bit of dark humor; sam smiles wryly. ]

But I don't always agree with the masses. I think it takes a lot to earn eternal damnation.

[ suggesting that this might not be that. ]

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[detoxifying]

[ Although some of the words might seem foreign to him, he understands the sentiment. As a templar and a general, Cullen has killed his fair share of men and women, from abominations that threatened all those in the Circle, to red templars, corrupted beyond all reason. ]

You think about what you're protecting, rather than those you have to kill. More than likely, those men and women thought they were fighting for a righteous cause.

[ A difficult lesson to learn, but one that seems determined to rear its head time and again. ]

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[falconkick]

[ sam's pleasantly surprised by this one; it's not a popular stance to take. ]

Y'know, it took me awhile to figure that one out. When you're fighting for your own cause, it's really easy to think it's the only one, but. Everyone's got something they're willing to die for. I can respect that, even when I don't agree with it.

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[chivalrist]

Some days are always going to be easier than others.

[ the locket's view sways before steadying; Nabooru sits with her chin propped in a hand bound tight with bandages, her eyes set somewhere else, her expression pensive. ]

I think that's true no matter what kind of person you are. Maybe no matter what it is you're looking for, too.

[ she smiles, glancing towards the locket, at him. it's a knowing kind of look. ]

You're used to this. [ talking, she means. the military side of his experience - well, that's apparent. ]

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[falconkick]

[ he smiles right back. taking each day as it comes is the best way to live, as far as sam's concerned, even if it's not an easy thing to teach. ]

It's kind of what I do, back home. My sister says I just like the sound of my own voice, but you gotta admit it's a pretty good one.

[ absolutely joking; the solemn weight of - well, everything - never leaves his eyes. ]

[Video | Private]

[prissykid]

[After listening to this broadcast, Joshua decides to respond. How can he not? He's experienced taking and giving life for various reasons. And...well. Maybe he's feeling some disquiet for his own actions earlier in his world.]

If I have an answer, then it's that whatever answer you find, it won't mean much to other people. Some will hear no justification or reasoning behind the action and will either damn you or praise you solely on that action. Some will hear it, but won't understand or will hate you for the rest of your life. Others who hear it might feel compassion and agree that you had only that one option available to you. Still others may view you as changed, and will either leave or continue to stand by you due to that change.

[Joshua pauses for a moment.]

I believe it's what you do after the fact that is more important. It seems to me like the more defining moment of who you are as a person.

[Another pause and a very slight smile.]

I tend to go by my nickname of Joshua, before we get further into this discussion.

[Video | Private]

[falconkick]

[ sam nods as joshua speaks, because that about sums it up overall. it's a chaotic mess of conflicting emotions coming from a thousand different places; that's why sam tries to help people find the one that matters, the one that joshua states outright.

it makes sam grin, just a little. ]

Sam. And I think you just took the discussion from me, man. I'm gonna have to find new material.

[ teasing, gently. ]

That's exactly what it's like, for almost everyone I've seen go through this change. Things can get twisted, inside and outside, but it's that first real step afterwards that's important. Mine was more of a stumble, but I got where I wanted to be eventually.

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[skjalf]

I must wonder if it is God's will that you speak of this now. Recent events have led me to take more than one life. I was not raised to kill, either.

( In fact, even from her appearance, it's clear that she has been sheltered in that regard. The men do the fighting at home, while women wage political war behind the scenes. Her eyes are hollow, and haunted. This has been bothering her a long while. )

And it does not bother me at all. I cannot tell you how deeply that has disturbed me, sir. And yet.. I see them. When I am awake, when I try to sleep.

There is no respite from it. As though my hands are ever covered in blood. ( Glancing away sharply, she intones in a quieter tone: ) I suppose they are.

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[falconkick]

[ sam isn't practicing or preaching, but if god's the one that wants them here for this, then he'll be grateful for the chance to reach her. these are the things that matter most to him. he speaks softly but with earnest, almost urging her just to hear him. ]

They might be. Mine are. And that's a scary thing to have to wake up to every morning, for anybody, no matter how much time you might have to get used to it. You're not alone.

[ that's the most important thing, he thinks, to know that her struggle does not single her out. ]

[muscovy]

Of what nation?

[He isn't interested very much in anything else that Sam said, but Air National Guard... And Maglor said that what kingdoms and duchies and all those similar to them, or aiming to be one of them, would be called nations in his world. Maybe in others, too. Maybe even in the future of his own...]

[falconkick]

[ it's a curious question, given the context of everything else, but sam answers it happily enough all the same. ]

The United States of America - 2014, in case you want the "when" to go with the "where".

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[fulminants]

[ ... wow, his words hit far too close to home for Johnny to be entirely comfortable, but he says it like it is. Johnny doesn't know if he'd killed anyone -- in the chaos, it's impossible to know, but he tried not to. He'd hurt so many, and perhaps a good number of them even grievously.

And now that it's all over and there's a reprieve for him to actually slow down, Johnny Storm doesn't like the thoughts that come to him, the images that come back and haunt him. The dying, the anger. The fear. It's difficult days, with even harder nights.

He sighs, before he turns on the video. He doesn't want to talk about that -- he's a superhero, right? He ought to have it under control. Thing is, he has no idea how to do it. He's smiling, but he doesn't quite feel it. ] Coming up with a help group, Wilson?

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[falconkick]

[ smiling is usually the first line of defense when it comes to ills that don't bruise or scab but fester somewhere deeper beneath the skin. sam's used to it - and he's not entirely fooled by it. but he'll play ball. ]

I might just, man. I'd probably turn out better numbers here than in DC.

[ it's still morbid humor; there's like, a concentrated number of people that need help here, simply by virtue of living under these circumstances. sam would host a hundred thousand support groups if they wanted it. ]

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[thebreakingwave]

I had a long time to come to terms with having to kill someone before I actually was in a situation where I needed to. For wizards, you know if you're going wrong with it, because it can break your magic.

[ At best, Harry might look seventeen.]

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[falconkick]

[ sam has seen way too many children in this place - children that are by all accounts adults already, for the shit they've had to deal with. it's a painful sight, every single time. ]

It can break it? How does magic break?

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[wipedclean]

[He's not entirely sure he wants to talk to anyone associated with Steve right now, but the story draws him in, and one he's done listening, it doesn't feel right not to say something.]

Bird.

[He hesitates. Because, well, he's killed a lot of people.

A lot.

Even if he can't remember them all.]

Is stained bad?

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[falconkick]

[ oh, hell. barnes' case is so special, fragile in a hundred thousand different ways, that sam's almost scared to answer him.

not enough to stop him. just enough to prove how important this is to him. ]

No. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. You get to decide that.

[Video]

[dragonring]

So you're good at speeches too. [No wonder he's friends with Steve. Sam makes a very good question, one that leaves Dave thinking for a while about what happened at home. But something else also catches his attention.] Have you always known who the "bad guys" are?

[Video]

[falconkick]

[ he laughs just a little bit because - dude. steve is speechmaster. one day, senpai will notice him!!

but he sobers quickly, still smiling but entirely serious for a serious question. ]

Nah, not even close. A lot of the time, we think we know - but it's real easy to confuse what something is with what we think it should be.

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[parallels]

[Clara listens quietly to his comments from her bed in the infirmary. There's not much to do there other than to listen and watch others.

She's never killed someone. Not really. People had died around her but she'd never taken a weapon and forcefully taken another person's life. Though the thought sometimes did cross her mind. Would she be able to take someone's life? To save her own or to save another? How fast she always decides on 'of course' may be a little concerning. Then again, thinking something is much different than doing it yourself.

And once again she gets that painful pang in her chest that reminds her of Danny Pink and the dark shadows that cross his face when he mentions his time in the army.]

I haven't. Haven't ever killed someone. But I've seen people die and. I can't imagine it's easy to live with. Even if it wasn't done out of any sort of cruelty.

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[falconkick]

[ 'cruelty.' now there's a hot word that's woefully subject to bias. sam exhales shortly, more of a sound of agreement than a real sigh. ]

That's the heart of the problem right there. Death is cruel, all on its own, and someone's always gonna get hurt by it whether you meant to hurt 'em or not. "The path to Hell" and all that. It's hard to live with that weight, even if you're just an innocent bystander.

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[vaccinations]

You shouldn't beat yourself up over it.

It was him or you. You can't just dwell on that shit or else it'll eat you up. Then next time it might be you.

Just... endure and survive. Don't let it stain you.

[She doesn't know much about armies or that sort of shit. But she does know what it's like to have to defend yourself from someone intent on taking your life. It's heavy. But you can't let it weigh you down or else no one in the world would ever get there.]

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[falconkick]

[ christ and a half, if sam doesn't feel it like a fist to the gut every time he sees another kid carrying this around here.

still. she's got her head screwed on tight, or at least outwardly so. sam smiles faintly. ]

You got that right. Survival's pretty easy. It's the endure part that gets a little rough sometimes.

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[debts]

What are you doing?

[ She sounds— Well, it's a little hard to figure out. ]

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[falconkick]

[ she's hard to figure out on the best of days. sam wouldn't be surprised if something like this bothered her - but sam's easy, and there's still a faint smile in his voice. ]

Making some friends - or at least having a few interesting conversations.

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[survivra]

Focus on saving more than killing. Know your nature. We've all the rest of our lives to change the balance against what we've done.

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[falconkick]

[ sam smiles, because that's the exact same answer he came to a long, long time ago. ]

There's always plenty of good to be put back into the world, that's for damn sure. Tippin' the scales though - that's not always so easy to do.

[ it's said lightly, almost inquisitively, like 'how do you do it?' with a patient smile. ]

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[individualist]

[MORE CHILDREN except not really. She just looks like a teenager.]

But what's on the line, depending on who wins or not...that's worth fighting for, isn't it?

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[falconkick]

[ teenagers are still babies, someone needs to smack these monarchs and sam volunteers as tribute. ]

Lots of things are worth fighting for, absolutely. And sometimes, there's no way around the killing. But one can hope that maybe there might be someday - and until then, we still gotta carry the weight of our actions.

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[chromosomes]

Oh Jesus, you're a therapist.

[ John looks remarkably like a terrified deer for a Marine. ]

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[falconkick]

[ sometimes, sam wishes he wasn't so good at what he does, 'cause he really wants to laugh. but he is good, and that kinda kneejerk reaction doesn't come from nowhere. ]

I've had a lot of guys say it like it's an insult, but you might be the first to say it like it's a threat. I promise I don't bite, sir.

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[waterbearer]

[ Kaldur looks about as exhausted as Sam does, but his shoulders a straight, as if at attention. ]

I would like to debrief. In person, if possible.

[ Kaldur... Kaldur should talk. Something about this man strikes him as a kindred spirit, and that is something Kaldur needs right now. ]

And, perhaps to exchange methods of coping.

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[falconkick]

[ sam doesn't quite snap to the way his reflexes tell him to, because he wants to keep that pressure and formality off, but he does straighten a little bit to reflect the same amount of due respect. ]

Definitely possible. Where are you campin' out right now?

voice.

[snipers]

[ you know, yukari might not be as difficult to read as natasha, but there's something closed off about her. it's why she chooses voice instead of video, just to keep that extra distance between herself and sam. ]

I wonder what you'd tell those who never had that respect.

[ she can think of at least on person who used to fit that description. luckily, he's grown up since then. ]

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[falconkick]

[ damn you lot and your faceless secrecy!! but sam follows everyone else's levels of comfort and whatever distance they might put between them, so he'll roll with it for now. ]

It's a hard thing to teach, but it's something that's worth the effort. Hate to say it, but the best teacher for something like that is making it personal. You get careless with your own strength, someone innocent or someone you love is gonna get hurt.

AUDIO.

[selfimage]

[ the Asgardians had been warring as long as he can remember. if it wasn't this, then it was that. the frost giants, the Celestials, Surtur, the Builders and the god of fear, it all came rolling down the hill. when the Asgardians had no one else to fight, they started fighting each other. ]

Someone's wrong, someone's right, and one of those someones gets hit in the face with an axe.

[ he sounds a little more weary. ]

What to do with all that gray space.

AUDIO.

[falconkick]

An axe to the face is a little more black than gray.

[ gallows humor, forever and a day when it comes to war, but it's dry and tired. ]

But when both sides think they're right, nobody really wins. You'd think we'd learn that eventually.

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[extramural]

[ Have an extremely pale man with all-black eyes and black fish flitting around in mid-air. ]

This seems very much pointed toward humans.

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[falconkick]

[ sam could pass the outsider off as another emo kid.

but the fish.

what the hell are the fish.

what the hell. ]

I've never exactly counseled a ... non-human. [ what the actual hell. ] But I'd be willing to give it a shot if someone wanted me to.