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[falconkick]

Hey, uh. Network. My name's Sam, for those of you I haven't gotten the chance to meet yet.

[ a small smile and a lift of his chin that both say he might genuinely like that chance to meet everyone everywhere at some point. but he's here with something serious today, so he moves right along. ]

I wanted to tell y'all something I like to keep in mind from day to day, but especially on days like the last dozen or so. I'm retired military - Air National Guard pararescue, for any of you that are familiar - but I enlisted a long time ago. Don't ask for a number, a man's gotta keep some secrets.

[ feelin' your age, wilson? his cheeky smile is short lived. ]

When I went to basic, I wasn't exactly itching for a fight, so I wasn't with the other greenies that were disappointed when we started with folding our own bed sheets. My ma raised me right, and the first time I picked up a gun, it was with all due respect to the power they were putting in my hands. I didn't wanna let all that go to my head and forget the responsibility that comes with carrying arms.

[ he purses his lips for a quiet beat, inhales shortly before continuing. ]

Wish I could say the same for the first time I shot a man. My country went to war right after I was accepted into the PJs, and when it was down to me or him, I chose him. Just - [ he makes a small pew gunshot sound, glum; ] - and that was that. I wasn't scared and I didn't feel guilty about it - and that was what stuck with me. I asked my unit, my CO, anyone that would listen. No one could tell me whether or not I was supposed to feel good about killing the "bad guys".

[ another moment's silence - half to find his next words, half out of respect for the dead. he scrubs a hand over his head. ]

Still don't really have an answer, and like I said, it's been a long time. Some days I think I might be close, and other days I ask myself "man, who do you think you're kidding?" Thing of it is - whether or not you think it's for the right reasons, taking someone else's life isn't easy, and it shouldn't be. That kinda thing stains your hands, and then you gotta decide how to live with it. For me, at least, some days are easier than others. And on the days when it's not, I keep looking for an answer.

[ finally, he gives a small, weary smile. the point of this whole thing: trying to get people to talk about it so they don't bottle it in. sam knows where he stands, and it's at the door, trying to open it for others. ]

If you've got any ideas, please, I'd love to hear 'em. Maybe we can trade a few around, see if we can't come up with something new. Either way, today's a good day.

[ dead tired, quiet, but sam still says it with a smile before signing off. ]

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action » private

[waterbearer]

[ Kaldur raises a quiet eyebrow. It has taken him the better part of an hour to arrive, but that is easy enough. Kaldur takes the hand all the same, careful of his strength as he shakes it firmly.

After that, he steps back into something approaching a military form of attention, if perhaps, not a branch that Sam would recognize. The debrief report is simple and line-perfect. Outlining the presented objectives, the events of the skirmish, the resultant casualties and fatalities, the completion of the objective. Also included is the release of the Jabberwock, the combating of the fires in La Llorona, knowledge of the subsequent battles, everything he could conceivably think to include, almost as though this were a report he was giving to King Orin. Or Batman.

When he finally finishes, he salutes, Atlantean-style, and then sort of falls onto a nearby bench/crate/squarish-object-at-chair-height and just buries his face in his hands to breathe,his gills fluttering with each carefully measured inhale and exhale. It takes him a moment to gather together again, but he looks back up with Sam, mixed gratefulness with a slight embarassment. ]

I thank you, and I... apologize, to so suddenly burden you.

action » private

[falconkick]

[ sam keeps his arms folded across his chest as he listens and listens closely. some of the details don't really make sense, but they paint in the missing pieces of the picture he saw for himself. and this kid - this kid - was caught up in the worst of it.

as far as sam's concerned, it's about goddamn time kaldur sits his happy ass down. ]

It's not my burden.

[ he crouches down in front of kaldur to take himself down from that position of authority above him, to look up to him from beneath. sam's role has always been a pillar. ]

But I'd be glad to help you carry it, if you'll let me. 's way too much for any one man to try to handle alone, and you shouldn't have to.

action » private

[waterbearer]

I- [ Kaldur exhales one last time before drawing himself together, and offers a tentative smile. ] I would appreciate the shared burden, thank you.

[ He sets his shoulders back and sits up straight. It means so much just to have said it, and the faint promise that, perhaps, he need not be alone. ]

I am Kaldur'ahm of Shayeris. Since we rather skipped formal introductions.

action » private

[falconkick]

[ sam smiles, bright and easy, pleased to see kaldur piece himself back together at least a small amount. one debriefing isn't enough to take the weight off of a man, but it's damn sure a start. ]

I won't tell anyone if you don't.

[ formality police be damned, we are hardened criminals! he straightens up himself and takes a seat beside him, angled to face him. ]

Sam Wilson. Of, uh, America, I guess. It's real good to meet you.

action » private

[waterbearer]

[ Kaldur laughs. ] I'm familiar. I tend work out of Happy Harbour, Rhode Island.

There are plenty of people still from Earth here, I promise you.

[ There's a momentary pause, as Kaldur leans back in thought, before turning back towards Sam more seriously. ]

To be honest, I think I am more afraid of how quickly I shifted back into a soldier mentality than my actual actions. I have been a superhero for so long, now, that to find myself so easily considering killing an unfortunate necessity...

I worry that I may have been here too long. Or that I was not so strongly rooted in my principles as I had believed myself to be.

action » private

[falconkick]

[ sam nods his head, hands neutrally braced against his knees as he leans towards kaldur attentively. ]

You used the analogy first, so you only got yourself to blame for me runnin' with it here.

[ a light tease accompanied by a quick, kind smile. ]

When you think of a tree, first thing you see is the trunk and the trees. You know the roots are there under the soil, keeping your tree alive, but you grow past that to something that looks completely different. Doesn't mean your roots aren't there, though.

[ get to the point, prof. wilson. he smiles again, eyes nothing but a little bit proud, maybe. ]

That you're worried about it right now? Means you haven't lost sight of what you believe in. All of us stray a little sometimes, and principles grow and change over time as much as your hair does. But that doesn't have to be a bad thing. No matter how far gone you think you might be, you can always go back to your roots.

action » private

[waterbearer]

And that is my fear.

[ Kaldur looks down at his hands before looking back up at Sam. ] I was a soldier long before I was ever a hero. I would have stayed only a solider, had I not shown such strong magic talents and was allowed enrollment in the Conservatory of Sorcery, and then later came to the aid of my king.

That was... ten years ago. And yet I am still subject to that mentality. That root training. It has its benefits, true, but I— I do not like what that may say about my instincts.

[ He doesn't much look it, but Kaldur is twenty-two. Twenty-one when he left. That is still an awfully long time. Hi, Sam! That mandatory conscription for twelve year olds, amirite? ]

[falconkick]

[ magic and sorcery and kings - all of that goes over sam's head, but 'ten years ago' hits home and stays there, gettin' cozy with its feel all up on sam's couch. if he was too young the second he got here, he was too young at fucking ten to be carrying all of this.

goddamn. keep it cool, wilson. he inhales deeply and shakes his head. ]

I don't buy into the whole nature versus nurture debate. When I say you got roots, I don't mean where you came from or what someone else taught you. You get to decide that for yourself, lay down roots wherever you want them.

I've come a long way from home, and I had to go through Hell to get here, but I'm happy with who and what I am and no one else can take that from me. I'm not saying that's an easy way to be, 'cause I know for sure that I still struggle with it some days, but that's how you decide what's worth fighting for.

And that decision, that turning point between what you know and what you do - that's where you plant yourself against nature and nurture to be whoever you wanna be. You can always change your mind, decide you wanna be a little bit of the hero and a little bit of the soldier, or either, or neither. That choice is what defines us as an individual, and that's the only thing that matters.

[ what you decide. sam isn't really sure how to fully impress the importance of choice, of the self before anything else in the world over. but kaldur is just a kid and even grown ass adults need to be taught to value themselves first; sam'll stick around as long as he needs to make sure the lesson takes. ]

[waterbearer]

[ Twelve Sam. Twelve. Not ten.

But his words about roots... Those allay some fears that KAldur himself had not realized were a burden until he was relieved of them, the only half-peace he has achieved with the thoughts about Black Manta as his father, about who he was before he became a superhero, and even some of his failures as one. ]

Our decision...

[ Contemplative, but then his thoughts take a somewhat darker turn, given the plans he has for the upcoming future. ]

And what of when the freedom to choose is no longer a luxury we have? How does one balance the responsibility we hold for the actions we take against the needs and reasons that demanded we take them? And what do we learn by how easy it may or may not be to fit into that role.

[ Because, end means aside, Kaldur's decision to play strong Seelie is a choice, and the actions that road may lead him down... they are not likely to be, on the whole, truly 'good' actions. And to justify the ends by the means only is a slippery slope that Kaldur does not wish to find himself falling down.

That is the worst form of self-justification. And it always, always fails. ]