eachdraidh | oo1 ⊕ video ⊕ both courts

Hey, uh. Network. My name's Sam, for those of you I haven't gotten the chance to meet yet.

[ a small smile and a lift of his chin that both say he might genuinely like that chance to meet everyone everywhere at some point. but he's here with something serious today, so he moves right along. ]

I wanted to tell y'all something I like to keep in mind from day to day, but especially on days like the last dozen or so. I'm retired military - Air National Guard pararescue, for any of you that are familiar - but I enlisted a long time ago. Don't ask for a number, a man's gotta keep some secrets.

[ feelin' your age, wilson? his cheeky smile is short lived. ]

When I went to basic, I wasn't exactly itching for a fight, so I wasn't with the other greenies that were disappointed when we started with folding our own bed sheets. My ma raised me right, and the first time I picked up a gun, it was with all due respect to the power they were putting in my hands. I didn't wanna let all that go to my head and forget the responsibility that comes with carrying arms.

[ he purses his lips for a quiet beat, inhales shortly before continuing. ]

Wish I could say the same for the first time I shot a man. My country went to war right after I was accepted into the PJs, and when it was down to me or him, I chose him. Just - [ he makes a small pew gunshot sound, glum; ] - and that was that. I wasn't scared and I didn't feel guilty about it - and that was what stuck with me. I asked my unit, my CO, anyone that would listen. No one could tell me whether or not I was supposed to feel good about killing the "bad guys".

[ another moment's silence - half to find his next words, half out of respect for the dead. he scrubs a hand over his head. ]

Still don't really have an answer, and like I said, it's been a long time. Some days I think I might be close, and other days I ask myself "man, who do you think you're kidding?" Thing of it is - whether or not you think it's for the right reasons, taking someone else's life isn't easy, and it shouldn't be. That kinda thing stains your hands, and then you gotta decide how to live with it. For me, at least, some days are easier than others. And on the days when it's not, I keep looking for an answer.

[ finally, he gives a small, weary smile. the point of this whole thing: trying to get people to talk about it so they don't bottle it in. sam knows where he stands, and it's at the door, trying to open it for others. ]

If you've got any ideas, please, I'd love to hear 'em. Maybe we can trade a few around, see if we can't come up with something new. Either way, today's a good day.

[ dead tired, quiet, but sam still says it with a smile before signing off. ]

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[ it can put things into perspective, and sam's grateful he takes the time to explain himself when something specific springs up.

even still, with the magic and the chantry and the vast many things that set their worlds apart, by the end of his story, the moral still sounds the same. sam exhales just a little and smiles wryly with a minute shake of his head. ]

That sounds about right. It's a little ... somewhere between disheartening and consolatory, to know that no matter where it is or who's fighting it, war's pretty much always the same. Nobody's really innocent, and nobody really wins.

[ that's just the nature of war. sam shakes his head again, and there is nothing but respect in his eyes when he looks at cullen again. ]

That must've been hard, standing up to your superior like that.

It would be easier if the monsters were always clear. But then, just as in the war they now expect us to fight, no one is truly at fault.

[ No one, save the monarchs that brought them here.

Cullen frowns slightly for a moment. He has been told before how much it must have taken to stand up to Meredith, and yet... ]

...I should have done it sooner. I placed too much trust in her, and did not question her orders as much as I should have. She would deliberately hide things from me, and yet, I never pushed for answers [ In some ways, he almost wondered if he'd been as bad as her. If all the deaths in Kirkwall could be laid at his feet just as much as her's. ]. By the end, there was dissent in the ranks. If only I had looked at things closer...

It is not a mistake I will make again.

[ But he will move forward. Dwelling on regret would do him little good. ]

[ sam raises his brows with a faint nod. ]

That's the pitfall of a soldier, man. Trying to find that fine line between loyalty and duty. It took a long time and a mean slap down to reality to figure out that doing the right thing doesn't always line up with following orders. I'm sure you don't need me to say it, but if you can - try not to hold it against yourself too much.

Especially now you're wise to the game. You seem like a good man.

[ and he does mean that. sam has a lot of respect for people that know when they've fucked up and know the weight of choosing a different path. ]

[ He could say that there was more to it than that. But, such things were really best not shared in the first conversation, if at all. ]

It... can be difficult, at times. But, I have been trying to focus on moving forward, and making sure that I never allow myself to become the same sort of leader that my Knight-Commander was.

[ And it occurs to him that they just had this entire conversation without him even giving his name. ]

By the way- my name is Cullen.

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