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[falconkick]

Hey, uh. Network. My name's Sam, for those of you I haven't gotten the chance to meet yet.

[ a small smile and a lift of his chin that both say he might genuinely like that chance to meet everyone everywhere at some point. but he's here with something serious today, so he moves right along. ]

I wanted to tell y'all something I like to keep in mind from day to day, but especially on days like the last dozen or so. I'm retired military - Air National Guard pararescue, for any of you that are familiar - but I enlisted a long time ago. Don't ask for a number, a man's gotta keep some secrets.

[ feelin' your age, wilson? his cheeky smile is short lived. ]

When I went to basic, I wasn't exactly itching for a fight, so I wasn't with the other greenies that were disappointed when we started with folding our own bed sheets. My ma raised me right, and the first time I picked up a gun, it was with all due respect to the power they were putting in my hands. I didn't wanna let all that go to my head and forget the responsibility that comes with carrying arms.

[ he purses his lips for a quiet beat, inhales shortly before continuing. ]

Wish I could say the same for the first time I shot a man. My country went to war right after I was accepted into the PJs, and when it was down to me or him, I chose him. Just - [ he makes a small pew gunshot sound, glum; ] - and that was that. I wasn't scared and I didn't feel guilty about it - and that was what stuck with me. I asked my unit, my CO, anyone that would listen. No one could tell me whether or not I was supposed to feel good about killing the "bad guys".

[ another moment's silence - half to find his next words, half out of respect for the dead. he scrubs a hand over his head. ]

Still don't really have an answer, and like I said, it's been a long time. Some days I think I might be close, and other days I ask myself "man, who do you think you're kidding?" Thing of it is - whether or not you think it's for the right reasons, taking someone else's life isn't easy, and it shouldn't be. That kinda thing stains your hands, and then you gotta decide how to live with it. For me, at least, some days are easier than others. And on the days when it's not, I keep looking for an answer.

[ finally, he gives a small, weary smile. the point of this whole thing: trying to get people to talk about it so they don't bottle it in. sam knows where he stands, and it's at the door, trying to open it for others. ]

If you've got any ideas, please, I'd love to hear 'em. Maybe we can trade a few around, see if we can't come up with something new. Either way, today's a good day.

[ dead tired, quiet, but sam still says it with a smile before signing off. ]

Comments

[falconkick]

[ sam will remember that momentary falter, but he won't push the point for now. he huffs out a breath instead. ]

Oh, I chose to throw my happy ass a pity party for awhile there. It wasn't pretty.

[ he smiles. ]

But after that, I decided to go back out on the field with my soldiers. I work as a counseling therapist with veterans, trying to get them off the battlefield, mind, body, and soul.

[depicted]

I don't think I've heard of anything like that. [Although it is obvious, now, where Sam is coming from when he does this. But, innocent of reality, he thinks back on parlour room discussions with officers returned from the colonies. He can't imagine that any of them would need a therapist, surely?] Our soldiers never had trouble adjusting to life when they came home . . .

[falconkick]

[ sam nods his head a little, but there's a furrow between his brows. ]

Maybe they didn't. Or maybe they just didn't talk about it. Even where I work, where we're accepting and encouraging of the idea, some people treat it like it's taboo, like it's a character flaw or admitting to weakness. Soldiers are some of the hardest cases to crack, 'cause we got it in our heads that we're not supposed to be able to.

[ crack, he means. which only makes it all the more likely to happen. ]

[depicted]

I . . . suppose so. It would hardly do to be 'not all there' [a distinct, displeased twist of the lips], not for an officer. [The shame on the family, the possibility of institutionalization—it doesn't bear thinking about, as Dorian well knows.] Your work is part of an institution?

[falconkick]

[ there's a small bitter twist in his smile at the wording, because yeah, that's what it sounds like. ]

That's one way to put it, yeah. It's more like a network of benefits for veterans and their families, but we're usually stationed at a hospital or a clinic where they can reach us easily.

[depicted]

Oh, so . . . it isn't like putting people in asylum? You aren't that kind of therapist.

[Victorian mental health care.]

[falconkick]

[ oh. ohh. ]

No, no, we don't. That kind of practice is pretty popularly condemned in my time. We still have asylums, but they're not like they used to be. We try to take care of our people.

[depicted]

Oh!! [Both genuinely surprised and happy, Dorian exhales. But then he thinks of how much better it would have been for his mother, how much happier she might've been. He can't help his envy.] I am glad to see that our . . . treatment of people has changed. You sound a wonderful person in how you help others. [It's awkwardly phrased, but Dorian does mean it in that way. Sam doesn't sound like those awful people at the asylums. He sounds like he actually could help people.]

[falconkick]

[ sam chuckles lightly, glad he at least seems to believe that they're not - that, anymore. ]

Thanks, man. I do try. Way I see it, it's all about what one individual person might need, no blanket cure-all - so if you ever have questions, I am always down to give it a shot.