eachdraidh | 2 ☼ video / open to both courts

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2 ☼ video / open to both courts

[ zuko is not going to tearbend. ]

[ he may have found toph's shard, tucked safely away where no one, not even reynard, would be able to steal it, and her metal bracelet, worn around his thin wrist, but he will not tearbend. he knows what it means. toph never abandons him, not even when he's annoyed her until she starts calling him sparky just to see him grit his teeth and steam pour from his ears. toph's the one thing in drabwurld that actually stayed — and it's his fault she's gone. even though it's completely and utterly irrational, guilt eats away at him for leaving her alone, believing his own treachery to the unseelie court would only require him to complete a personal quest to see to it his honour is restored. but toph's gone — save for her metal bracelet, the one he never really had seen her take off. had they stripped her of that before they'd taken her, too? he doesn't plan on keeping her bracelet, determined to give it back to her once he finds her again. but it's better to be worn on his person than to be left in his suite, the imps' feet running closer and closer to his door with each passing day he lingers in drabwurld — either at the station or in caer scima. ]

[ his expression is a permanent scowl. two imps can be seen running from him outside the castle of caer scima, their behinds burnt and some of their hair still caught aflame. they keep shouting we don't know where toph is!, but it only seems to make zuko angrier, hands balling into tight fists. in toph's honour, he sends a blast of fire along the grass, slithering quickly toward them like a serpent, to see to it they shriek and jump high into the air. ]

Toph's gone. The imps didn't take her, but I don't believe them.

[ he's not sure what to even believe anymore. he can barely believe in himself, and that's already a can of worms he's trying to shove the lid back on. ]

[ petulantly, he utters, ] Whatever. [ it's not like it matters; he doesn't even know if anyone outside of those in the unseelie even know toph. do they just think he's saying tough? she'd laugh at that; he grits his teeth. anyone would find their life was made ten times better just by her being around. they'd arrived in drabwurld together, they were meant to leave together. ]

[ it appears as though he's about to blast a tree, or even his own locket, held as though another is merely directing it, but he doesn't. much louder, ] I hate this place.

[ and he leans forward to grab his locket and tosses it as far as he can, shooting a thick burst of flame at it as the imp that had been recording him scampers away, its body seen blurred by the camera tumbling into darkness. ]

[ for anyone at caer scima, zuko's in the bailey, sitting against a willow tree, sulking. either he wears his frown, arms crossed against his chest, or he's looking at his locket, as if contemplating burning it until it's ash, even though it seems almost indestructible against his fire. if toph were here ... well, she's not. and he's not chasing any imps or playing practical jokes (nor is he going to the feast later today to do such a thing) on anyone because of that very reason. ]

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( zuko just needs a cute blonde to nag at him incessantly about how the world could suck way more than it already does, really, be grateful that you actually have family still even if they're terrible?? uh...

cassie watches his demeanor carefully. she studies his movements, tries to get a feel for maybe whether or not she should approach him... gently. she thinks anyone should be approached gently in this situation. she was there for kieren when jem disappeared, but zuko and kieren are extremely different personalities. he's definitely less stable than kieren. and kieren is a goddamn zombie.

that says a lot to her about zuko.

and yet somehow she doesn't want to just leave him without comfort or someone to talk to or something. )

You don't know that. I'm sure plenty of people have disappeared and come back later.

( her eyebrows raise and she puckers her lips thoughtfully ) Right now, I wouldn't expect you to be. I'm the one who's offering to come make you feel better, not the other way around. You can act however you want.

[ zuko should be used to losing people. he'd lost his father when he'd been too young to remember what had first ignited the blue fire ozai wields toward him; he'd lost his mother in a memory that's still too startling for him to even believe it to be a mere dream, even if he had been on the cusp of consciousness and dreaming; he'd lost his sister sometime during her years of being groomed as ozai's pet; he'd lost mai, he'd lost ty lee, he'd even lost uncle (but uncle is very hard to lose — he may as well be considered not lost at all), but he'd lost himself for too many years. dealing with toph being gone, especially in a world as strange and dank as this one, pushes zuko closer to the edge. he's afraid, unlike uncle and mai, unlike even himself, she won't come back, just like father, just like mother, just like azula. even though he's adept in knowing what loss feels like, he isn't quite skilled in handling it; he always clings to people, despite knowing they'll be gone soon. ]

[ quietly, ] She shouldn't have disappeared in the first place. [ if she comes back, what does that mean? had it been her punishment for failing high-queen morla, just as his was to be successful in his own quest he believes he's already damned for? if she were meant to come back, she shouldn't have left at all. toph wouldn't have let herself go without dragging him along, kicking and screaming, or merely just following her as he would've. ]

[ zuko shoves a hand through his hair, sighing. she's sort of like ty lee, persistent, but where she'd offer to walk on her hands and giggle at him, pushing him further into his anger by simply being optimistic, it's ultimately katara she reminds him of. she'd sit beside him quietly as he sat through his anger, stewing, without touching him or even condemning him for not getting over it. she'd probably stay out there with him all day and well into the night, not once complaining about him wasting her time or being too lost within his own grief at losing a friend. ]

[ he thinks about saying no. it's so tempting to. pushing people away is easier than pulling them close; while zuko may have a habit of clinging to people as if that will stop them from leaving, he does tend to push those who wish to move closer further back so they don't get hurt by how hot he seems to run. he may not be fire, a constant flame burning, always warm, despite what colour it is, but he's more like lightning, crashing into the earth unexpectedly, even if the clouds aren't a stormy grey, but are white, with a clear blue sky overlooking the lands. but he doesn't project his voice when he says, ] I'm at the bailey.

( it's lucky for zuko that cassie doesn't know everything about him already. she would be constantly after him and trying to make sure he wasn't kicking himself for no reason. luckily for zuko, though, cassie is an annoyingly persistent teenage girl who isn't just going to give up on him because he's sad. nope. )

I know. But - ( she sighs. there is nothing she can say, at all, to make this better. there is nothing she can do for him. she watches him carefully, eyes full of concern, face drawn into a frown. he has a lot of really deeply rooted manpain. clearly. )

Give me like... Ten minutes. I'll come down. We can go for a walk or something. Okay?

[ the but is abandoned. zuko can't really predict what she'll say; he can't really predict what anyone would say when in this kind of situation. what do you say when someone's lost one of their closest friends? he hadn't heard any comforting words when his mother had left them. he'd been taunted by azula and loathed by ozai that he had felt her loss tenfold, that nurturing hand of hers no longer a ghostly fingerprint, but perhaps something he had made up altogether in his own imagination. sorry doesn't really cut it. and zuko doesn't wish to hear it, either. he's gone so long without needing to be comforted that he hadn't aspired to earn any when he had made this particular broadcast. ]

Okay. [ he'll be here, leaning against a willow tree, surrounded by what he thinks are shadows of grief. caer scima seems to be as dark as mourning; sometimes he wonders if they suffer a lot of loss in this part of drabwurld. but he doesn't make an effort to see to it he's comfortable, a gesture to perhaps give her confidence he'll remain where he is and not take off. but he does sit and open his palm out, a little flame sparking from the centre. that's the only gesture he'll give that he'll stay put. fire may have marred him, but it has always been his most trustworthy companion in his time of need. ]

( cassie doesn't take long to get herself presentable enough to feel that she is acceptable for public places. she doesn't take long to get to him, either. but when she rounds the last corner and looks across the twenty or so feet left before she gets to him, she slows. she looks at him, frowning, studying how he sits. he really isn't in a good place at all. he's in a lot of pain; that much is very evident. she sighs softly and trudges across the grass. she doesn't say anything at first, just walks over to him and sits down next to him. she tucks her knees up to her chest and loops her arms around them, then looks over at him. )

Hey.

[ she does remind him of katara. instead of trying a quip like sokka, or calling him out for his manpain like toph would, she just takes a quiet seat beside him. he remains leaning against the tree, staring out before him, as if the rocks on the opposite side of the garden may explode and reveal toph inside, laughing and pointing at him as she yells got you, sparky! but he knows toph lacks the patience for such a thing; she would've taken to exploding from the rock, or having him trip on the earth when he'd thrown his locket away from him as if it had burned him. ]

[ it's just a few moments before he looks toward her, head shifting against the tree. he remains still, an invisible rock sitting on his own chest. his long legs lie out before him, locket near his feet now. ]

[ she's prettier in person. ]

[ and also short. ]

[ he doesn't really want to say anything. but it isn't really fair she had come all that way to sit beside him and endure trying to make a rock bleed, or just a stubborn and angry boy say hi back. he'd warned her he'd be poor company, it falling on deaf ears. how long will it take before she picks herself up and walks away? ]

[ it's quiet, ] Hey.

( cassie studies him, quietly. he is a sort of anomaly. a strange creature, one who is fascinating, but dangerous in a way. still, he's like a flame, and she enjoys flames, plus he's doing this thing where she's moth-to-beaconing at him anyway. he's one of very few people she's actually managed to connect with here or not to feel awkward about and that means she should probably actually give a shit about him. so, she's showing that. because that's what people who give a shit do.

she's quiet for a second after their greeting. awkward. she looks around, purses her lips, tries to figure out if anything should be said. ~~do you wanna build a snowman?~~ words, however, fail her. they're overrated anyhow, aren't they? she does, however, reach a hand out and place it over his. her fingers curl and she squeezes lightly for a moment, before she draws back and folds her arms around her knees again.

maybe she could whip up something nice for him with magic. maybe. or maybe she could just sit. she has nowhere else to be, nobody else to spend time with, and she sees no reason why they have to do anything but exist. still. she worries. she wants to ask him how he's feeling, she wants to ask him if he'll be alright, if she can do anything. she opts to remain silent. as long as he needs, she supposes. )

[ her reaching for his hand is a gesture he doesn't expect. not many people take to touching him these days, aside from mai, even katara when she feels up to it. it's always a punch in the arm or even a piece of earth kicking him literally in the ass he receives from toph. but it's affection he hasn't quite been shown since ursa had left him. jin ruffling his hair months ago had been a sign of it, hadn't it? ]

[ he looks down at his hand, hers now wrapped around her knees. he can still feel her touch squeezing around his fingers as a source of comfort. uncle would always throw an arm around his shoulder or pat him on the back. it's an odd gesture to be given by someone who doesn't know him. he understands why she does it, having seen katara do the same for anyone within the group, even momo if he were to let her grasp his fingers. but he doesn't quite get why. ]

[ he's thankful she doesn't punch him in the shoulder, though. a boulder to the chest and even a fist to his arm is a sign of affection he doesn't think he can take, not without a short earthbender attached to it. ]

[ ripping grass from beside him, he fiddles with it absently between his fingers as he remains quiet, gaze settled on something far in the distance. he doesn't think to speak, nor even search for a conversation topic. he's not the conversationalist within his gang of friends — that's sokka. but he does find himself speaking softly without thinking, gaze downcast as his brows pinch together and guilt stomps on his chest as toph would her foot against the earth, ] It's probably wrong to miss her. [ in this place, he doesn't say. it's already a selfish thought to begin with. ]

( perhaps someday cassie will explain to him the simplicity behind how a gentle human touch at just the right moment can be healing. just the faintest reminder that someone else is with you, that you aren't alone. but today isn't that day. the timing is all wrong, in a lot of ways. another time.

her eyes fix on the grass beneath his fingers as he plucks it from the earth. he's a wreck, but he's managing not to succumb to it. cassie drops one of her hands to the grass and presses her hand firmly on the ground. flower, flower, flower. the patch where he'd been ripping up grass sprouts lilies, stems and buds and blooms all happening in a matter of moments. maybe it'll cheer him up. )

No it's not. Just because this place isn't the best doesn't mean it's wrong for you to feel like that about your friend. She's your friend. You miss her, not the fact that she was trapped.

[ but he misses her being trapped with him. isn't that just as bad? ]

[ it isn't as black and white as he wishes to see it as. in a way, zuko wishes to portray himself as the villain in this particular chapter, wishing for toph, a girl who has such an incredible future to reap the benefits of, back with him in this place of loneliness and isolation. he isn't good company; she flourishes in the presence of sokka, teasing katara, and messing around with aang. he's merely a dead weight for her, dragging her down when she only wishes to be soaring within the clouds on her rocks. ]

[ still, he wishes she was back. this place is a little less fun without her. ]

[ his voice is still quiet, but there's a hidden warmth in there, despite all the sadness he wishes to feel and cause him to remain mute. ] She gets to go back to her school. That's kind of cool. She's teaching these lilly livers how to metalbend. She's the only earthbender who knows how to! [ a fact he will never, ever stop sounding proud of. he'll mention it every time he gets, simply because toph isn't here to do so. ] I don't think I get to see her a lot. [ fire lord duties sort of take one way from their friends. ] It just … I ruined something for her back home. I wanted to make it up to her here.

[ she'd always wanted a life-changing field trip with him. though, he suspects he still would've let her down in that department, all things considered, she'd get more from what awaits for her at home than what lingers within the drabwurld, lost without her. ]

And eventually, you'll get to go back, and she'll still be there, too. It sucks that she's not here to keep you company, but you'll see her again. Seriously, there has to be an end to this at some point. ( she nudges him with her elbow, trying not to be too serious or too lighthearted. she just wants him to feel better. that would be best. )

What did you ruin for her? You really don't seem like you're that bad a guy...

[ he used to be the bad guy until he realised he was just a puppet for ozai to do his bidding. if she hadn't asked what he ruined for toph, he'd tell her he is the bad guy. still. the hardest person on zuko isn't his father but himself. ]

I ruined her life-changing field trip with me. [ he sighs it out. it'd embarrassed him silly she'd called it as much, stating his trips in assisting his newly found friends had been life-changing when he thought it was simply what someone who wished to atone would do. wouldn't anyone try and avenge katara's mother? wouldn't anyone try and use the knowledge only they have about the man who had thieved sokka and katara's mother from them? wouldn't anyone break into a high security prison situated on a volcanic island to save their friend's father? wouldn't anyone purposefully get themselves thrown into a freezer if only to unscrew it so they could sail upon hot waters to the shore? wouldn't anyone try and teach their friend the true art of firebending by dancing like an idiot with some dragons? ]

[ he thinks the answer is pretty obvious. ]

She never told me if she ever got it with ... future me. [ but he hopes she does — even though he doesn't really believe anything with him is life-changing. if anything, he experienced life-changing field trips with them. ] I guess she didn't. She would've rubbed it in my face if she did. She's annoying like that.

( cassie isn't sure how one person can single-handedly ruin a "life changing fieldtrip" if it was specifically for the two of them anyway, but... zuko, she has determined, is always a glass-half-empty type, self-deprecating and not in a funny way. what must he have been through to think so little of himself? )

How?

( she wrinkles her nose, because if he's talking about at home... how can he know that? he talks about future him, and about future toph, and their future plans. but those are things that haven't happened, things he can probably still change. it's a reasonable assumption that he could. ) Maybe she just hasn't lived it yet, Zuko. Maybe it's her future still, too. You can't always assume the worst.

[ zuko can only assume how he did. it's a quiet and self-deprecating confession, ] I didn't change her life. [ hence the title of life-changing field trip. it's all toph's doing, naming hanging out with him and almost dying or being imprisoned for the rest of his life as a life-changing field trip people go on, like they're going to ember island for a holiday. it puts too much pressure on him, but he supposes it's only fair. he did burn her feet. ]

But she was ahead of me! [ which sounds weird to him, but he thinks very little of it right now. ] I'm Fire Lord. A proper one. [ or one that has been in power for more than a few days where he fumbled with even that title. but his hands remain clenched in front of him, best to be before him than in his hair. ] There's going to be less time for me to make it up to her.

( there are so many things about zuko's demeanor that bother cassie. she could grab him by the shoulders and shake him, but that wouldn't solve anything. "I didn't change her life". her face screws into some incomprehensible mixup of confusion and distaste. she may not know him well, but she's getting to the point where she knows enough on the fringes that she can say for a fact that he's the type of person who changes someone's life simply by being in it. she doesn't interrupt, and she lets him complete the rest of his thoughts as she forms her own reply. )

But you did. ( she purses her lips quietly for a moment or two, trying to decide how she wants to elaborate. does she wax poetic about how everyone in a person's life has changed it? no, that would make him feel insignificant. instead, she'll focus on the details she knows about him specifically. ) You're a Fire Lord. That means you did something in your life that changed everything, right? So it stands to reason that you changed her life, too. Besides. Even if you weren't, you're not the type of person who meets someone and doesn't change their life, just by existing.

[ truth be told, he doesn't think it's very fair he's had this placed on his shoulders. i want a life-changing field trip with zuko! the trips he'd went on with the individual components that make team avatar work had just been trips — it'd been the right thing to do, helping aang learn the origin and meaning of firebending (as he learned a thing or two he hadn't ever dreamed of, too) and going with katara to gain revenge for her mother, but, in truth, he'd learned that vengeance wasn't the right answer, nor was violence, as forgiveness was a lot stronger than an eye for an eye, and rescuing suki and sokka's father had been the right thing to do. he'd learned he wasn't as alone as he thought himself to be — and he had only been proven right about mai being better than anyone else he knew with how she had defended him when he truly gave her no reason to. ]

[ but did he really do something to change everything? he was heir to the throne, the firstborn — but why ozai hadn't tossed him from the line of succession when he felt such contempt for him was beyond zuko. still, he hasn't spent as much time with toph, despite always seeming to sidle up near her more than the others. with his hand carding through his hair, he isn't so sure if he agrees. how can he change another's life by existing? he'd been lucky to be born — anyone who met azula was lucky to survive her. ]

[ with his head bowed, his voice is quiet, ] It'd just be nice if she was here. It'd be nice if they all were.

( she watches the way he cycles through his different thoughts, and his feelings. she sees him now as a puzzle, as someone she wants to learn and figure out. he's complicated; there's no question there. she wonders what they might have in common. the defeated sadness that overtakes him toward the end tugs at her heartstrings. cassie reaches over and places a hand on his shoulder gently. her voice is just as soft as the touch. )

I know. And I know what that's like. I'm sorry.

( and what else can she say? what else can she do but sit beside him until he's ready to move on to the next thing, to pick himself up and get on with things? she really can't. they've talked all they can talk, she thinks. she drops her hand and folds her arms around herself. maybe just knowing someone's there will be enough for him, for now. )

[ where it may be expected he'd glance at her hand on his shoulder, he doesn't. his head simply remains bowed. losing people isn't new for him, but being able to properly mourn for them, to even be given the chance to talk about them, is. he hadn't ever had the opportunity to do so when he believed his mother to abandon him, dying sometime throughout the years as he never understood why she never came back for him. keeping it locked within himself, the sadness has only morphed into anger, short-tempered and hot, as he often takes to pushing too many people away as he fears losing them. ]

[ a part of him feels as though he should've held onto toph harder. but he knows loss is inevitable. people always leave him, but whether or not they come back has always been up to them. ]

[ it's enough for now; he finds he doesn't have anything more to say, destructive or mournful, as he simply leans against the tree and stays quiet. ]

( cassie doesn't try to speak anymore. she doesn't try to do anything but exist near him, as a source of comfort. the day wanes, as days are wont to do, but she remains until he is finished and ready to part ways. the last thing a person in his position needs is to feel a further accented loneliness by being completely isolated. she's been there. but when the time comes, she retires to her room without fuss. she'll check on him again soon. )

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2 ☼ video / open to both courts

video

video

video.

video.

action.

action.

action.

action.

action.

action.

action. it's been 84 years and i can still smell the fresh post

action. that's called vegemite.

action. uhhhhhh.....

action.

action.

action.

action.

action.

action. i think this is a good stopping point for this one, 90 years later?