eachdraidh | voice; unseelie locked

[Isn't it funny how she and Lightning had been talking about different options and the war not that long ago? Isn't it funny how Xion had expressed the opinion that the whole thing was wrong, that sacrificing Seelie worlds seemed counterproductive considering they were trying to save them all? And now here the are, faced with that war, and how it was coming, and soon.

She'd been told more than once before now to think carefully, and if she's going to do that, if she isn't going to make the decision now... She needs to figure out what to do with herself in the meantime.]

We really... don't have a choice about all this, do we?

[It's an abrupt sort of question, probably, and one she wonders if she should really be asking aloud at all. But it starts out her post with a tone of reluctance, one that never really fades away.]

Nevermind. Sorry.

[Deep breath. It's been a day or so since the call went out, with Xion already conveniently back at Caer Scima. And she's been observant in those 24 hours, for all that it's helped.]

Almost everybody I've seen already seems to know what to do. Back home, I did missions and things all the time, but I only really had one job. And it's the one job that I can't do now.

[Can't because she refuses to. Sure she may have occasionally done other things, like recon, but her primary mission was always collecting hearts and fighting heartless, especially while Roxas was asleep. And now that she knows, fighting people, destroying their worlds isn't something she really wants any part of. Especially now that she has friends on the other side, ones that've helped her like Riku and Terra and Dick and Merida and Korra. But it's something she knows the monarchs would say she definitely should do. The thought is sickening.]

I don't really know what I'm doing here. Not... right now at least.

[Both in general and for this war effort. She hesitates for a long time then adds one last question.]

What can we do? For now, at least.

[She isn't so sure she wants to know what people think about her opinions on the whole war.]

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I do know how to fight.

[It's said matter-of-factly. Doing missions, destroying Heartless back home was one of the most solid, reliable things that she could count on.]

But fighting people here means you could destroy their worlds. And I don't want to do that. That's why I guess I'm trying to find something else.

[For now at least. Given what Hiro said about consequences, she's not sure how long her pacifistic stance is going to be allowed to stand.]

And I never expected anybody to protect me, no matter what I did.

Edited (TYPO...) 2015-08-08 04:44 (UTC)

Ah, so you've decided to take up whining instead of fighting.

I'm sure that will be of great use to the monarchs.

[She's so sweet, isn't she? Absolutely a people-person of the highest sensitivity.]

[That definitely stings. Azula can't see it but her head ducks down, her shoulders ride up. If they were in the same room, she wouldn't be able to make eye contact.]

I don't- [She cuts herself off. Something about this Azula really reminds her of Saix. A lot.] I wanted to know what other things there are. That's why I said anything at all. [Mostly.] I don't... even know what I can do.

[She really, honestly doesn't. She's never been in a war before. Or any situation with a vaguely defined but ultimately clear goal, with no personal directions.]

'What can we do' is the cry of a helpless child. It lacks any kind of self-respect and agency.

'How can I help the war effort' is someone who wants to put themselves to use, not someone who wants to be patted on the head and sent home because it's just too hard.

[The words fall with brutal efficiency. There is no regard of any kind in them for the fact that she's speaking to someone else. That she is picking them apart.

If anything, it's refreshing. She's felt trapped and almost helpless, fighting things she can't even see, something that's taken root in her own mind. This? This is a relief.

She knows what to do with other people. How to sink metaphorical claws into them, and it's welcome.]

[There's a moment's silence before Xion ends her feed. Closes her locket, makes sure the door to her room is shut and and as locked as she can make it, before curling up on her bed.

On one hand, she feels like she's boiling. She wasn't just some helpless kid! And she was trying to do something useful! And yet... the words sting because there's something to them. This was hard. And she certainly wasn't used to making decisions for herself, big ones. Not even after two months here. Because now that she really has to, she's realizing how little she understands, how much she doesn't know.

Slowly she rolls over in her bed to look over at her Keyblade, from where it's leaning against the bedpost, the metal handle gleaming in the lamplight in her room.

Back home, she'd only really been useful because of her Keyblade. Maybe it really is the same here. She didn't really know how else to not be a "helpless child." Slowly she lifts her knees up and buries her face in them.

Azula won't get a response, though. Xion's done here.]

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not here; sob I'm sorry