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[truesight]

I know we're supposed to be celebrating, but does anyone else feel like- you know, not wanting to do that at all? I can't be the only one.

[ as always, Rachel's got smudges of color on her face and her fingertips, but this time her expression isn't bright to match. she scratches at her cheek ( which leaves a bit of blue there, but whatever ) as she frowns, and it's clear she's trying to not look so sullen, but it's hard work. there are some ways this place is way, way different than her home world. but this feels too much like what it would be like if the Roman and Greek demigods really did end up going to war. if the quest failed, and everything crumbled and went to Tartarus and friends were forced to fight friends and Gaia won and that kind of sucks. so she's babbling at the locket network- why? because she's selfish enough to seek some kind of validation for feeling so bummed about this. for not finding that much comfort in a Seelie victory. and maybe also because she's managed to get her hands on a little fairy wine, and she's not drunk, but she's feeling more honest about her less optimistic side than she normally would be. woops. ]

I know the war is important, and unavoidable, but I guess I just thought- [ she huffs a breath ] I got to fight. I got to ride a pegasus into battle and fight, just like everyone else, which I never got to do in my world. And I always thought it was worse, having to sit on the sidelines when the rest of my friends were out fighting. But this- I don't feel any better. [ a beat ] Fighting doesn't scare me, I love knowing I can protect myself in a fight now, but that?

[ another pause, and she's pushing her hair back off her face even though it doesn't really do much to control all those curls ]

I don't think I can do that again. I want to help, I want to keep helping in any way I can, but just- not that. I don't think I'm built for that kind of battle. And I know I can't be the only one that feels that way, but- [ her brow furrows up, like she doesn't like admitting that. ] Does that make me useless here? 'Cause I gotta admit, it makes me feel a little useless. [ but yikes that's depressing. and Rachel Elizabeth Dare isn't depressing. so she shakes her head, lifts a hand like that erases that last bit ]

Anyway. If we're friends, or no matter what if you're a camper - Camp Half-Blood, Camp Jupiter - check in, please. [ :| damnit campers she knows you were all probably way too involved with all of the fighting ] Let me know you're okay. Let's talk. I'm going a little crazy, it feels like everybody's scattered in different places.

Comments

[commandertoolbelt]

Fighting isn't all it's cracked up to be, huh? [ Leo asks dryly, without a trace of mockery. He's with Rachel on this. Fighting freaking sucks.

He wishes he knew what to say about the rest of it, though - the feeling useless part. He certainly feels the same a lot of the time, and here, he's not so special anymore. There are other people here with fire, immune to fire, other inventors and blacksmiths, so here, he's just... Leo. It's hard, losing what made you stand out, especially when it wasn't much in the first place. ]

You're Apollo's Oracle, right? If you can't do the prophecy thing here, what's stopping you from learning to heal, or something? You'd still be helping, but you wouldn't have to fight to do that.

[truesight]

Healing. Yeah. Maybe. Kelsi can heal. It's pretty cool, actually.

[ reallyreally cool. but healing with music is totally an Apollo kind of power, so maybe she's biased. ]

I think my powers are slowly starting to kick in again because I do have dreams every so often, but for the most part they're kind of ridiculous. I stopped someone from getting a splinter the other day though, so. Y'know. At least there's that.

[ she's at least grinning a little now, and that's absolutely because she's talking to Leo. it's hard to be a grumpface when you're talking to someone that, nine times out of ten, makes her laugh like a crazy person without even trying ]

[commandertoolbelt]

It is Apollo's thing, [ he says with a shrug. ] Aside from the haikus.

And don't forget the meat pies! Did you ever find out what that was about?

[ That's good, Rachel. Never forget how to smile. They all need it when the going gets tough. ]

[truesight]

[ she shrugs ]

I just made sure nobody ate a meat pie while hanging out in the great hall. So if someone was supposed to die, it never came to pass. [ a beat ] It's possible someone, somewhere in the world was eating a meat pie, but. I'm going to pretend it was limited to the residents of Caer Glaem.

[commandertoolbelt]

Better than nothing, I guess. I don't know how you do the whole Oracle thing, anyway. It'd drive me nuts knowing what could happen but not being able to do anything about it.

[ he's always been more of a doer than a talker, after all. power to her if she can handle it, though; someone has to, and it looks like Rachel deals with it pretty well. ]

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[choreographics]

...yeah, this wasn't as fun as pretending to be spies, was it?

[That is to say he totally gets it Rachel. This shit sucked a lot and he's actually just had a similar conversation with somebody else.]

You okay? [He can see her, yes, but it's important to ask.]

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[truesight]

Nh-hn. I wasn't expecting it to be fun or anything, but I guess I kind of underestimated how not-fun it would end up being.

[ she shakes her head, eyes widening a little bit. just. woof. ]

Okay is a good word for me right now, yeah. I'm okay. How're you?

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[choreographics]

You weren't the only one. A lot of unexpected stuff happened in the last couple of weeks that no amount of prepping would really help.

[Sigh. He gives her a mostly optimistic grin though.]

Okay's a good word for me, too. I think there's just...a lot to process, if that makes sense. [Things that happened in the battle and post battle.] We could all use for some recovery time.

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[truesight]

It makes sense.

[ it doesn't really help that she chose to go for the wine instead of actually processing everything first, but. eh. details. ]

All of this just makes me really miss home.

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[steadfasts]

I don't think not wanting to fight makes you useless. There are plenty of other ways to help that... don't mean risking your life, or taking someone elses.

( because Clarke gets it. she spent most of the battle on the frontlines, but she never fought. she knows she can, would have if she needed to, but- she definitely understands where this girl is coming from. )

I hope you hear from all your friends.

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[truesight]

Yeah, it's that second part that I can't really- I can't do that. Self defense is one thing, but I can't hurt people. I especially can't go out of my way to try and hurt someone. Even that monster, the Jabberwock? It was destroying the castle and I still felt bad for trying to take it down.

[ but that could have been because, after flying around for a little while, she could tell it wasn't just this blood-thirsty thing. it seemed kind of out of it, confused. so attacking it, despite that, wasn't so easy to do either ]

Thanks. I hope you do, too. It sucks waiting to hear back.

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[steadfasts]

It feels easier to justify it when you're defending yourself from an attacker. ( Clarke pauses at the mention of the Jabberwock -- if she had been helping to kill it, that means she's from the opposing court. it doesn't deter Clarke from talking to her in the least; it actually spurs her further on.

she fiddles around with the locket to change it to private, suddenly thankful for Raven's ability to pick up on pretty much anything that could even remotely resemble technology. )

You're a Seelie court member then, right? This is probably going to sound strange, but do you mind if I ask you a question?

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[truesight]

Yeah, I'm Seelie.

[ it takes her a second to realize why she had to ask, but oh- right, oh, oops. everybody can see this. oh, good. Rachel's wincing for a second, but she won't voice why. it's probably obvious anyway. luckily it's just a quick thing. ]

Sure, what's up?

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[depicted]

I think . . . I think it must be a very different thing, knowing that you are capable of taking care of yourself, and wishing to test how capable another is at that same defence.

[Drunk girl with paint on her face, please don't feel violence is the only answer! Dorian is frowning, concerned at the general demeanour of this poor girl.]

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[truesight]

Yes! Yeah. [ she even snaps her fingers, like the words came out of her mouth instead of his. like she just thought of it. eh, details. ] That's exactly it.

Training is actually kind of fun. Weapons don't really freak me out, and I like having something to work at and learn, but. Gods. [ she huffs ] There isn't a single bone in my body that's actually okay with the idea of attacking someone that's just trying to defend their home, or- for any reason. I thought I'd be able to fight knowing that I'd be helping my court, but. I could have just as easily ended up an Unseelie, you know? It doesn't feel like I'm- fighting pure evil or anything, it's just more people like me. [ babble babble ] I don't think I can do that again.

[depicted]

[He isn't tipsy, so he doesn't get quite so carried away. Also, he has had a healthy fear of the monarchs put into him, so he is careful not to edge too far towards treasonous on these lockets that were handed out by the monarchs. He speaks cautiously, trying to kennel in her words to avoid letting them gallop out into wild, free pastures where they could be hunted down for horse meat. So to speak.]

I am certain that the Monarchs will understand that, and won't force you into the position. If you wish to, you can help protect the Seelie in other ways.

[truesight]

How? I don't have any magic.

[ she doesn't sound bitter or anything, but something more.. a little lost? ]

At home I had a place in the war that was going on, a way to help without fighting, but my stupid Sight doesn't work right here. Not in a helpful way, at least.

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[chivalrist]

[ she shakes her head when she appears, a small smile tugging at her mouth. ]

A will and desire to fight does not make use. [ it can, that's true, and Nabooru has never suffered from a lack thereof. the Gerudo have always praised the skilled and ready fighter, but Nabooru has been spurred to look a little further. ]

When there's war, sometimes it only makes things harder. You want to aid. That's what's important.

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[truesight]

Yeah. I guess so.

[ she seems very sheepish about it though, like it's pretty much the last thing she wants to admit to. whiiiiich it kind of is ]

I guess I just don't feel all that optimistic about it when I have a feeling it's going to come down to a battle to determine how this all ends. A war like this isn't going to be ended by good intentions.

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[chivalrist]

They never are. [ and she sighs at that, shakes her head. ] But it can make a difference. Wars aren't just swords and arrows - or magic, or whatever else they're using here.

Questioning definitely isn't a bad thing.

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[truesight]

It's a little bad, if the people who should be giving us answers- aren't.

[ not that she'll outright saaaay the monarchs, but it's probably obvious she means the monarchs. ]

It feels like it's about the same as shouting into the void or whatever it is those pessimist types.

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[cerebral]

No, you're not the only one. [Charles isn't smiling but his expression isn't unkind, either. Mostly he's concerned about the girl on the other end because while Rachel may not be drunk, he was for the longest time. It's not the best coping mechanism, although one of the easiest.]

I've been in two world-threatening situations and combined with recent events, I've realised I'm not best suited to an offensive position. [It may be a gift to bear the pain and suffering of others, but he's since realised there were limits.]

It doesn't make you useless. Think of it like a game of chess - different pieces move in different ways. A bishop can't always do the same maneuvers as a knight, but they still all contribute to the same game.

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[truesight]

The part that's bugging me is that i wanted to be. I wanted to be able to go out fight, and actually make a difference, so much. But as soon as I got out there it was like- all I could feel was guilt.

[ which is confusing. being near a monster that can melt your face off just by existing and firing an arrow, those things don't scare her. but the idea of firing an arrow at someone made her feel guilty before she even tried it ]

I guess I'm just starting to feel like more of a, um. Like the little top hat from Monopoly. I have no business trying to play chess. [ rachel what the pieces in monopoly are nothing like the pieces in che- ] Don't get me wrong, I like being the little top hat. I'm good at being the top hat back home. But things are really different here.

[cerebral]

Guilt - over harming others? That's nothing to feel ashamed about.

[The extension of the analogy draws a smile from Charles. But it feels as though he's only getting half of the picture here, so he has to ask - ] What does the top hat do back home?

[truesight]

Isn't it though? During a war.

[ not that she sounds 500% torn up about it, she knows it's wrong to want to hurt people, but for some reason she got it in her head that none of that matters during war. or it shouldn't matter. she's sent demigods on quests, and- okay, sometimes she felt guilty over it, but most of the time she didn't because she knew they could handle it. no guilt. everyone just doing their jobs. ]

This top hat is a deliverer of prophecies and a reader of fate. It's kind of jumbled up here, though. Either fate works differently, or- something. I don't know. I still have visions, but they're sort of small-scale compared to what I used to see. ... Which isn't all bad, just confusing.