eachdraidh | oo1 ⊕ video ⊕ both courts

Hey, uh. Network. My name's Sam, for those of you I haven't gotten the chance to meet yet.

[ a small smile and a lift of his chin that both say he might genuinely like that chance to meet everyone everywhere at some point. but he's here with something serious today, so he moves right along. ]

I wanted to tell y'all something I like to keep in mind from day to day, but especially on days like the last dozen or so. I'm retired military - Air National Guard pararescue, for any of you that are familiar - but I enlisted a long time ago. Don't ask for a number, a man's gotta keep some secrets.

[ feelin' your age, wilson? his cheeky smile is short lived. ]

When I went to basic, I wasn't exactly itching for a fight, so I wasn't with the other greenies that were disappointed when we started with folding our own bed sheets. My ma raised me right, and the first time I picked up a gun, it was with all due respect to the power they were putting in my hands. I didn't wanna let all that go to my head and forget the responsibility that comes with carrying arms.

[ he purses his lips for a quiet beat, inhales shortly before continuing. ]

Wish I could say the same for the first time I shot a man. My country went to war right after I was accepted into the PJs, and when it was down to me or him, I chose him. Just - [ he makes a small pew gunshot sound, glum; ] - and that was that. I wasn't scared and I didn't feel guilty about it - and that was what stuck with me. I asked my unit, my CO, anyone that would listen. No one could tell me whether or not I was supposed to feel good about killing the "bad guys".

[ another moment's silence - half to find his next words, half out of respect for the dead. he scrubs a hand over his head. ]

Still don't really have an answer, and like I said, it's been a long time. Some days I think I might be close, and other days I ask myself "man, who do you think you're kidding?" Thing of it is - whether or not you think it's for the right reasons, taking someone else's life isn't easy, and it shouldn't be. That kinda thing stains your hands, and then you gotta decide how to live with it. For me, at least, some days are easier than others. And on the days when it's not, I keep looking for an answer.

[ finally, he gives a small, weary smile. the point of this whole thing: trying to get people to talk about it so they don't bottle it in. sam knows where he stands, and it's at the door, trying to open it for others. ]

If you've got any ideas, please, I'd love to hear 'em. Maybe we can trade a few around, see if we can't come up with something new. Either way, today's a good day.

[ dead tired, quiet, but sam still says it with a smile before signing off. ]

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Sometimes things still can only end with someone on the sharp end of your blade. And that's even harder here than most places.

[ katsa examines him through her locket, curious through her rare moment of sharing. ]

Even if you've little idea how to go about it, you have to trust it's worth believing that it's possible, though, don't you?

[ with as little he knows about the politics of this place, he's left to imagining. these last few weeks were - rough. but even still; ]

It's real hard to go anywhere, especially in a time of war, if you don't carry some hope of things getting better. I believe it's possible. It might not look like what we expected it to, but I wouldn't give up on hoping.

[ she has no direct answer for that, but it's nice to hear. she smiles. ]

Are you always like this? So—positive?

[ he's said he struggles too, and immediately she realizes that might not have been the best choice of words, but this has already become a conversation in which he's doing all the reassuring. ]

[ it's not the first time he's been asked. he chuckles quietly, shakes his head a little. ]

Not always, no. But I try to be. Sometimes it's a little bit of an act, but for the most part?

[ he shrugs, shakes his head again. ]

I like being happy more than I like being sad.

[ simple as that? not at all, but that's the gist of it. ]

Yes, well. It's a nice sentiment, but not always a feasible one.

[ she says it, but... she really does appreciate the thought. ]

How do you do that, then? Stay positive. Find your answer.

[ 'find your answer.' he has to think about it for a minute, never having really put it to words, but when he finds something, realization dawns on his face with a faint and somber smile. ]

I think of the worst day of my life. All that anger and guilt, eating me up inside and out. And then I think about every day after that, all the places I've been and people I've met and the whole world of opportunities that I would've lost if I'd stayed in that place.

[ hard to see, yeah, but once it's there? the choice is easy. ]

You said the way not to lose yourself is to know your nature. I try to remind myself that mine is something bright and cheesy. It's who I am - or maybe who I wanna be.

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