eachdraidh | oo1 ⊕ video ⊕ both courts

Hey, uh. Network. My name's Sam, for those of you I haven't gotten the chance to meet yet.

[ a small smile and a lift of his chin that both say he might genuinely like that chance to meet everyone everywhere at some point. but he's here with something serious today, so he moves right along. ]

I wanted to tell y'all something I like to keep in mind from day to day, but especially on days like the last dozen or so. I'm retired military - Air National Guard pararescue, for any of you that are familiar - but I enlisted a long time ago. Don't ask for a number, a man's gotta keep some secrets.

[ feelin' your age, wilson? his cheeky smile is short lived. ]

When I went to basic, I wasn't exactly itching for a fight, so I wasn't with the other greenies that were disappointed when we started with folding our own bed sheets. My ma raised me right, and the first time I picked up a gun, it was with all due respect to the power they were putting in my hands. I didn't wanna let all that go to my head and forget the responsibility that comes with carrying arms.

[ he purses his lips for a quiet beat, inhales shortly before continuing. ]

Wish I could say the same for the first time I shot a man. My country went to war right after I was accepted into the PJs, and when it was down to me or him, I chose him. Just - [ he makes a small pew gunshot sound, glum; ] - and that was that. I wasn't scared and I didn't feel guilty about it - and that was what stuck with me. I asked my unit, my CO, anyone that would listen. No one could tell me whether or not I was supposed to feel good about killing the "bad guys".

[ another moment's silence - half to find his next words, half out of respect for the dead. he scrubs a hand over his head. ]

Still don't really have an answer, and like I said, it's been a long time. Some days I think I might be close, and other days I ask myself "man, who do you think you're kidding?" Thing of it is - whether or not you think it's for the right reasons, taking someone else's life isn't easy, and it shouldn't be. That kinda thing stains your hands, and then you gotta decide how to live with it. For me, at least, some days are easier than others. And on the days when it's not, I keep looking for an answer.

[ finally, he gives a small, weary smile. the point of this whole thing: trying to get people to talk about it so they don't bottle it in. sam knows where he stands, and it's at the door, trying to open it for others. ]

If you've got any ideas, please, I'd love to hear 'em. Maybe we can trade a few around, see if we can't come up with something new. Either way, today's a good day.

[ dead tired, quiet, but sam still says it with a smile before signing off. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Sweet, that means I'm not losing my touch.

[ actual support group leader sam wilson, hello. ]

Figure if I'm gonna be here awhile, I might as well start now, get as many sessions in as I can. You want me to book you for Friday?

[ it's a joke, mostly! ]

Slow down, Care Bear.

The only thing I book on Fridays entail dinner, drinks, and lingerie. But not always in that order.

[ new nickname, bless bless!! sam laughs, bright and earnest. ]

Maybe we'll work our way up to a Friday, then. [ iff'n y'know whuddimean. ] How about a nice, boring Monday instead?

[There's a whole list of nicknames she's given to people. It's a habit.]

Is this therapy session for you or for me? It sounds like you're the one weighed down by it all.

Hey, I gotta get a little something outta what I give, right?

[ it's a joke, and he's still smiling when he shrugs. ]

I've got my wounds. Sometimes I figure stuff out about myself when I'm helping someone else make a start. So maybe it is a little bit of both.

If you want the honest answer, I've killed a lot of people. Goes with the territory. I work in a rough business, and most days, it's me or them.

When the moment comes, it's always them. I don't hesitate, I don't second guess, and I don't feel guilty for being the one that lives.

[He says it's not easy taking a life, but Chloe sure makes it sound easy. It's not meant to be bravado, it's just the cold truth. If it's live or die, she pulls the trigger, and she sleeps just fine at night.]

[ sam nods his head, not disturbed or at all bothered by it. ]

I know a lot of folks that would say the same thing. Hell, sounds a lot like my best girl.

[ shout out to nat, xoxo. ]

And I'm not gonna tell you that's a bad way to be. You keep yourself alive and moving, there's nothing wrong with that. But you can't tell me that doesn't change the way you look at the world.

[He gets points for not giving her a lecture, at least, or trying to sound as if he's somehow better than her because he feels guilt over killing someone when she doesn't.]

Not really sure what you mean. The world is a cut throat place full of people you really shouldn't trust.

When you find someone you can trust, you're lucky. There are people I trust. Problem is, none of them are here.

[So no, she's not the type that thinks all people are worthless canon fodder. There are some she considers friends.]

[ sam smiles just a little bit - that's exactly it, right there. it's a jaded view of the world, but he's delighted to see that she's got those few people that make the difference. ]

No one here lucky enough to make the cut for trustworthy?

Can't say there is.

[There are people here she likes, for sure, and she'd happily spend time with them, but she wouldn't go so far as to trust anyone here completely.]

I take it you're the trusting type.

[ he bobs his head from one side to the other, considering with a playful purse of his lips. ]

It's more like I've got very little that I can't give away freely. I'm an open book - I'll tell you anything you want to know - and I'm good for a drink with just about anyone. But when it comes to the big stuff, I'll be a little more selective about who to go to.

[ a million friends, only one or two that get that close to him type of thing. ]

We're the same, then.

[That's how Chloe operates, as well.]

Except for the riddled-with-guilt part.

[He regrets the lives he's taken. Chloe.. not so much.]

[ that earns another laugh. ]

I'm not riddled with it. Maybe it's more like - you know, a friend that's down on their luck and crashing on your couch and they ain't paying rent but they're eating out your pantry anyway? It's a little like that.

I think you should kick your friend out.

[But she doubts he can let go of it that easily. If he could, he wouldn't have mentioned it to begin with.]

Naw, we're still on good terms. Keeps me in check sometimes, and you should see him work his moves on the dance floor.

[ jokes on jokes on jokes. he's learned to live with it, happily and healthily. ]

I suppose that's a good thing. I don't know if you were in the battle that just took place, but there will probably be more of them.

[ he inhales deeply and nods. ]

I wasn't in them, but I saw some of the aftermath and I had my share of run-ins with the Jabberwock. They're really not playin' around out there - so if it comes down to it, neither will I.

[ doesn't mean he has to be happy about it, though, and he's not. ]

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