003 ☆ Voice ☆ Both Courts

[parallels]

Clara Oswald here.

So...

[There's a lengthy pause as if she really doesn't want to be doing this post but feels compelled to for some reason. Or perhaps she just has no idea how to start.]

So this is Draubwurld's chance to play advice columnist. About-

[There's another painful silence. Or space for a long suffering sigh.]

Relationships.

[Another pause and then suddenly she bursts into speech, going to quickly that it's a little frightening that someone's mouth can move that fast.]

I'm mean I can't be the only one, can I? Had someone back home and then ended up here. Or back here, technically, for me. And now you've got to figure out what's to be done about it. Can't stand around the station hoping your mobile will finally, someday, send them a text message back. The one that you meant to reply to before you showed up here.

If we're trapped here for years and age slowly, it's not quite going to work to just pop back in when the war is over. "Hey, sorry, got kidnapped by fairies 65 years ago, sorry about that, yeah I'd love to go to the cinema like you said in your text". And all the while, they've wondering why you went missing all those years ago.

[And there it is, the sigh.]

Do you just... remain loyal even if it means they might have forgotten you when you return? Or moved on? Or do you call it a wash and start thinking of this place as a new life.

Either way, feels like a bit of losing game, no matter what you do. Suppose that's part of war. But war doesn't usually last centuries. For humans like me, anyway.

[Then she realizes something she probably should have said way back from the start.]

Sorry. For the too much information. And the personal questions. And personal answers if-and-or-when they are given.

Thanks.

Comments

voice » private

[rues]

[ there's no way she's having this conversation publicly, not that she supposes it matters since luke is basically the prince of technology and he could probably figure out how to de-private this particular conversation, anyway. clarisse doesn't really intend on bringing him specifically, but just in case ... she'd like to keep this between just the two of them. ]

[ even though she doesn't know clara very well, this is a subject that hits especially close to home, and it's not like ... she's really had anyone to talk to about it in the recent months. of the two people she might consider talking to, one of them has known luke since she was seven and ... well, the other one is percy jackson. she's not about to talk relationship problems with him, even if they are a lot closer than they used to be. the strength of their friendship doesn't make him any less of an idiot. ]

[ there's a heavy silence before clarisse actually says anything as she tries to decide if she really does want to say anything. this is probably completely stupid, talking to someone she doesn't even know about dumb things like boy problems, but ... she doesn't have anyone else to talk to, and don't they say talking to strangers is cathartic? it's not like clara will know who she's talking about. ] Yeah, I've got someone back home, too. I thought it would get easier, him never showing up here and me being stuck here, but it's been almost nine months and the disappointment still hurts every time I don't see his face at the feast. [ it hurts even more seeing his face in the memory basin the monarchs had gifted her, and she's almost positive it's out of guilt more than anything else. ] I thought trying to move on would help, but the harder I try, the guiltier I feel. It feels like I'm betraying him, you know? Isn't that the whole issue?

But then ... [ she grumbles, mostly frustrated with herself ] there is someone — here — and it's not like I know how I feel, because he's — [ complicated, frustrating, funny, smart, infuriatingly attractive ... and her boyfriend's brother, just to make it even more complicated than it already is ] — well, we have a truce. I'll leave it at that. [ she hated him for betraying her and killing her friends, but now she only hates him because she can't make sense of what she feels. she won't admit, can't admit that the vision just amplified what she already knew a long time ago. there's another pause, then another sigh. ] My boyfriend would want me to be happy. I'm sure your someone would too, if they knew, right? But how do you just let go of someone you love like that? [ ugh. ] This shit has never been my strong suit. I'm not a fucking Aphrodite kid. [ silena would probably say, "follow your heart," but how is she supposed to do that when she can't find it long enough to know where it's going? ] There's just — no good answer. I think eventually we just have to suck it up and decide which battle we'd rather lose less.

[parallels]

[Clara can't help but wince at the other woman's tone of voice. It just sounds.... so defeated? So miserable. So torn. And so utterly frustrated that this place is putting her through that. And with a sinking sensation, she realizes how much she can relate. A guy back home and a guy here that... well it's complicated to say the least. Though she has to admit, there was no sinking feeling in her chest when she thinks about Danny not showing up? The idea of being away from him is painful but... not as much as it's hurting this other girl.]

I. know how you feel. Both about the two people, one at home and one here with a whole lot of tension. And the whole being terrible at this sort of thing. Glad to know I'm not the only one and I haven't got the excuse of Aphrodite.

[Then she licks her lips. The Doctor is here. He nearly forced her to do something terrible and there's not an ounce of regret in him as far as she can tell. She's furious and yet... they've reached a truce of some sorts. While they intended to part ways, now they're here together, and they ought to work together as best they can.]

I don't know. I don't want to let him go. But I want him to be happy all the same. And I don't know if either of us will be if we just sit around and wait for each other, letting years and years pass us by.

[rues]

[ clarisse wants chris to be happy more than anything. it's why she tried so hard to take care of him, to be with him and protect him in the labyrinth and out of it, why she tried so hard to fix him, to give him his mind back after the labyrinth stole it from him. she never really realized until then that that's all she ever really wanted for chris — for him to be happy. she used to think that meant with her, but now she's not so sure. how good is she for him when she sees his brother in her mind more often than she sees him? how good is she when she can't even decide if she wants him here or not? it should be an automatic yes, but there's a hesitation now that she can't deny. he's better off without her. he'll be happier without her. right? ]

[ but part of her knows that isn't true, even as hard as she wants to believe it. chris is the type of person who doesn't let go, but clarisse is the type of person who shoves until the other person is forced to. it's easier to push people out of her life than it is to keep them there, and eventually that would happen with chris, wouldn't it? he's too good for her; he deserves someone so much better. but she knows, deep down, that even if she moves on, he never will. he'll cling to her and wait and hope and pray to every god he knows the name of — and it's the fact that she knows that that makes it so much harder, so much worse when she thinks about the inevitability of never seeing him again, or being stuck here for so long that all he becomes is a distant memory she can replay in the small basin the monarchs gave her, like looking at an old photo album that moves and reminds her of a time long since passed. ]

Nobody wants to let go. [ she's learned a lot about that kind of thing while she's been here — letting go of her anger, her hate, her resentment. it's never completely gone, but continuing to cling to all those negative emotions wasn't doing her any good, nor was it doing anyone else any good. maybe that was the point, but she's had to open her eyes to what's in front of her and stop looking at everything through the lens of the past, even if that past doesn't always feel like it really has passed. ] Sometimes it's necessary. [ at least if she let chris go, she wouldn't feel so miserable about him all the time. ]

[parallels]

...No.

I suppose not.

[She didn't want to let go of the Doctor. As much as she thought she hated him after the moon, she didn't want to give him up. She thought of every reason, every logical cold hard fact about why she should. She noted every bit of cruelty he'd ever displayed to her. And yet, she couldn't.

She hadn't wanted to. Wasn't willing to.

But with Danny. She could, for his own sake. She didn't want to and the thought of it tore away at her insides and left her feeling sick and alone. But for him, she could do it. He had to be happy, Danny Pink. That was what mattered. The Doctor, at least, could handle everything that they had to endure here.]

Hurts like hell though. Fighting to protect him and yet having to let him go.

[rues]

But he'd understand, right? Why it's necessary.

[ she means both of them, chris and danny. she wants to believe that if either of their respective boyfriends showed up here, they would understand why they did what they did, why they moved on, if clarisse ever can force herself to. some might say she's taking the easy way out if she lets go of her feelings for chris — but she knows what she feels for him won't ever truly go away. he was the first person she ever fell in love with (silena taught her what love was), and that love will always be there. but she thinks it hurts more to keep holding onto those feelings than to let them go. either way, it's going to be painful, but one way at least has a higher chance of a happy ending. ]

Maybe it's just selfish, but ... I've never been known for being particularly selfless.