eachdraidh | 003 ☆ Voice ☆ Both Courts

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003 ☆ Voice ☆ Both Courts

Clara Oswald here.

So...

[There's a lengthy pause as if she really doesn't want to be doing this post but feels compelled to for some reason. Or perhaps she just has no idea how to start.]

So this is Draubwurld's chance to play advice columnist. About-

[There's another painful silence. Or space for a long suffering sigh.]

Relationships.

[Another pause and then suddenly she bursts into speech, going to quickly that it's a little frightening that someone's mouth can move that fast.]

I'm mean I can't be the only one, can I? Had someone back home and then ended up here. Or back here, technically, for me. And now you've got to figure out what's to be done about it. Can't stand around the station hoping your mobile will finally, someday, send them a text message back. The one that you meant to reply to before you showed up here.

If we're trapped here for years and age slowly, it's not quite going to work to just pop back in when the war is over. "Hey, sorry, got kidnapped by fairies 65 years ago, sorry about that, yeah I'd love to go to the cinema like you said in your text". And all the while, they've wondering why you went missing all those years ago.

[And there it is, the sigh.]

Do you just... remain loyal even if it means they might have forgotten you when you return? Or moved on? Or do you call it a wash and start thinking of this place as a new life.

Either way, feels like a bit of losing game, no matter what you do. Suppose that's part of war. But war doesn't usually last centuries. For humans like me, anyway.

[Then she realizes something she probably should have said way back from the start.]

Sorry. For the too much information. And the personal questions. And personal answers if-and-or-when they are given.

Thanks.

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[Oh. Oh, well this is just that painful reminder of Charming Snow totally needs. Still, she's sympathetic to Clara's situation, reminiscent of her own even if she's still certain her other half will show up eventually.]

I'm not sure what advice to give here. Only that I know my husband and I always find each other. Which doesn't really help with your situation or questions, sorry. But I suppose that is something a lot of others here also need to decide and consider, if their loved one isn't here with them. There's a chance they could also make it here. Which I guess could make things....awkward if there is someone else here. I don't know. This situation is not exactly....ideal or easy.

[Snow knows she can be faithful. Is certain Charming will find his way here at some point. But others might not have that same hope and vow to always find each other, finding it more difficult.]

My husband is here, but not our children. It is... stranger than that, though.

[As hard as it is for her, she wishes to help. Grainne's struggled with these things a lot over the last few months, but still hasn't come to any solid conclusion...]

He is also waiting for me at home, should I ever return.

It is a little complicated, isn't it?

[ It had been when Ron was here. Things were already a little complicated back home, considering they were trying to help recover from a war while she was desperate to finish school, but he had turned up at one of the worst times. She had been so busy doing so many things that she hadn't given him the attention she was sure he deserved - and she had ended up regretting is, sourly. ]

I think... We're here. And if the people we love aren't we have to accept that they might not turn up. We can't just turn off how we feel, can we? If we like someone here then... Then we have to be happy.

[Now she feels a little selfish. She loves Danny Pink (or at least she's pretty sure she does), but their feelings are still only in the infancy stage. Nothing compared to marriage.]

Yeah. Thankfully, it's already horribly awkward back home so I'm well prepared for that part. I just...

Can't stand the fact that I've gone missing and he's just sitting there, wondering where I've gone.

'A little' is being kindly understated.

[Ah, Hermione. At the sound of a familiar voice, Clara flicks the locket to video. If only she knew how similar her struggles with Danny were to Hermione's with Ron. Driven women with priorities beyond relationships and struggles to figure out where those relationships fit.]

I suppose so. Or at least I'd want them to move on, go find another girl and do all this relationship stuff properly. Not wait for me endlessly. Hopefully, they think the same.

[It seems easy to say. A little too easy.]

...I can't imagine how difficult that would be. To be away from your children.

[She shakes her head. The situation with Danny runs circles around her mind. But she can't imagine being separated from a child and knowing that it could be decades before they were reunited.]

I'm sorry.

Isn't it always?

[ Hermione smiles when she sees Clara, lifting her hand and wiggling her fingers in a quick 'hello'. All of this is so complicated and the idea of people coming and go is still disconcerting and trying to fit some kind of relationship around that seems particularly difficult. Hermione is used to warlike situations; she knows how strained friendships and romances can get. ]

I'd want that too. It isn't fair, waiting for someone that might come back. [ She imagines Ron moving on to someone else and - it hurts, the idea of it, but she's learning to adapt here too. Feelings don't last forever and if she's gone long enough for him to think of her more... Nostalgically? She can't blame him for that. ] They deserve to be happy and so do we.

...ah, yes, something I've really been trying not to think about...

[It really doesn't help that he was starting to maybe kind of sort of face that thing he was really trying to deny back home!

Ahhh, she most definitely has not run off with his particular world's version of Lancer. That won't happen. Absolutely not.]

Really, I suppose all you can do is hope for the best --- it's entirely possible for them to find themselves here, after all, even though that may take some time.

It is.

[Clara responds in the same, a little wave, but she quickly lets her hand drop as her expression darkens. She looks deeply pensive as she mulls over Hermione's words. She's been thinking the same thing, but it sounds so much clearer when said by someone else. She'd waited for the Doctor when he abandoned her. Known the struggles of starting every time she heard the TARDIS or his a voice that sounded like his. She'd never wish it on another person.]

They do deserve it. Danny- My boyfriend- he deserve to be happy. More than anyone I know.

[And she tried to make him happy. As best she could when trying to balance a life with the Doctor. A small part of her wonders if this wouldn't be for the better.]

And I'll manage myself well enough.

[Already awkward? Oh, Clara. What is even going on with your love life. But Snow can sympathize. She herself is worrying about Charming too. Even if back home whether they might even realize anyone here is gone is another story.]

Already horribly awkward? No, you don't need to tell me if you don't want to. But I understand. I'm sure if those back home do notice us gone that Charming would be worried and missing me too.

Sorry. Been trying to not think of it myself. Which involved a lot of thinking about it. And then not sleeping and then locket posting.

It's a dangerous slope.

[She coughs. Words tend to spill out when she's nervous.]

I don't. I don't even know if I want him here. He's not really. He doesn't do this sort of bonkers magic thing. Plus there's a war which might get him all upset.

I understand.

[ After everything they've been through? She knows Ron deserves to be happy, just as much (if not more) than she and Harry do. He had been a constant source of support and humour and something they had needed, which had been proven when he'd left and left a gap in their hearts. If she was going to be stuck here, fighting a way for decades longer than she should even be allowed to live then... Then he should be allowed to be happy. Just as much as she should.

She frowns, staring at her hands for a long moment. ]

I don't think we can let ourselves think of home while we know there's no way to go back for certain. It'll just hurt, won't it? And waiting and hoping for just one person to show up...

[ She remembers waiting, wondering if Ron would come back, sitting alone in a tent and crying. She can't do that again. ]

[God, you don't even want to know.]

I mean. I'm sort of. Hanging out with someone he doesn't like and... not telling him about it?

[She's the worst at relationships. It just is.]

[ there's no way she's having this conversation publicly, not that she supposes it matters since luke is basically the prince of technology and he could probably figure out how to de-private this particular conversation, anyway. clarisse doesn't really intend on bringing him specifically, but just in case ... she'd like to keep this between just the two of them. ]

[ even though she doesn't know clara very well, this is a subject that hits especially close to home, and it's not like ... she's really had anyone to talk to about it in the recent months. of the two people she might consider talking to, one of them has known luke since she was seven and ... well, the other one is percy jackson. she's not about to talk relationship problems with him, even if they are a lot closer than they used to be. the strength of their friendship doesn't make him any less of an idiot. ]

[ there's a heavy silence before clarisse actually says anything as she tries to decide if she really does want to say anything. this is probably completely stupid, talking to someone she doesn't even know about dumb things like boy problems, but ... she doesn't have anyone else to talk to, and don't they say talking to strangers is cathartic? it's not like clara will know who she's talking about. ] Yeah, I've got someone back home, too. I thought it would get easier, him never showing up here and me being stuck here, but it's been almost nine months and the disappointment still hurts every time I don't see his face at the feast. [ it hurts even more seeing his face in the memory basin the monarchs had gifted her, and she's almost positive it's out of guilt more than anything else. ] I thought trying to move on would help, but the harder I try, the guiltier I feel. It feels like I'm betraying him, you know? Isn't that the whole issue?

But then ... [ she grumbles, mostly frustrated with herself ] there is someone — here — and it's not like I know how I feel, because he's — [ complicated, frustrating, funny, smart, infuriatingly attractive ... and her boyfriend's brother, just to make it even more complicated than it already is ] — well, we have a truce. I'll leave it at that. [ she hated him for betraying her and killing her friends, but now she only hates him because she can't make sense of what she feels. she won't admit, can't admit that the vision just amplified what she already knew a long time ago. there's another pause, then another sigh. ] My boyfriend would want me to be happy. I'm sure your someone would too, if they knew, right? But how do you just let go of someone you love like that? [ ugh. ] This shit has never been my strong suit. I'm not a fucking Aphrodite kid. [ silena would probably say, "follow your heart," but how is she supposed to do that when she can't find it long enough to know where it's going? ] There's just — no good answer. I think eventually we just have to suck it up and decide which battle we'd rather lose less.

Mm, it is not quite... the same for the Eldar as it is for Men. We love but once and for life. The only occasion that was different... well. Let us just say that much of our troubles might have been avoided.

But... [ he is playing with the rose-gold ring on his left hand ] We... because bodily death is not the same for us, even to lose a spouse is not final, for we will be reunited again, eventually.

For life? Now that's a commitment.

[Clearly, that sounds like way too much for her.]

You mean heaven? Or some sort of afterlife?

[ There is about twenty different things the Doctor could say to this and they're all on the tip of his tongue. What he eventually decides to say might— arguably be one of the worst responses to this but it's also startlingly honest in his opinion. ]

I told you that you made a boyfriend error. [ He stops, knowing fully well he should say more. ] You're not going to like my answer to your questions beyond that. [ You probably don't even like that one. ]

Not really? It is... who we are. Mm, no not quite. We are... the Eldar are tied to the world, and although our bodies may perish, our fea, our... souls, endure so long as it does. So if we are slain we go to the Halls of Waiting, and after a time we may be Reborn, to walk again in flesh. So no sundering is forever.

[ except for us says Caranthir, grim and quiet ]

Oh. But you still want to hang out with this other guy as friends? Does your boyfriend assume there's more there and that's why he doesn't approve? If you're not telling him I suppose even if you tried to talk to him and explain he wouldn't listen? Or you have and he hasn't believed you. Relationships can be....much more complicated than they need to be, sometimes.

[To say the least. This coming from the woman who kept trying and failing to entirely deny her feelings for David while under the curse when he woke and was still married to Kathryn.]

Oh? What error did I make?

That he's failed to show up? Because last I checked, someone else left me stranded here for nine months.

[Do you hear the annoyance in her voice, Doctor? It's like slapping you through the network if she could.] And who says I even care about your questions.

I suppose it's a clever way for them to make this all work. Pull us away from home. Let us realize we can't return and so all we have is to be here. And work for the court.

[The bitterness surprises even Clara. She thought that she'd gotten over the frustrations of being trapped here. And in some ways she has grown to enjoy the responsibilities and the travel that have been thrust upon her but she's never been able to shake the feeling that they're all just pawns in the monarch's plans.]

It hurts like hell, doesn't it?

[ Pretty sure he feels his cheek stinging anyway. How do you do that you didn't even really hit him? This is like Pavlov's slap or something. ]

That you picked one that wouldn't wait for you. [ You know what, no, Clara you don't get to pull that card on him again. ] And you know very well I couldn't control when I got here.

[ Also! ] You care because you asked strangers about your love life, at least I know some of the details beyond this.

[Good. Because she's getting crosser by the second.]

Who says he wouldn't?

[God, part of her doesn't even want him to wait but the Doctor just makes her feel furiously indignant over that point.] And maybe I wanted the opinions of people who actually can relate to my situation and be objective instead of popping in just to say something just to be heard.

No, I've told him that it's not like that. [At least, she doesn't think it's like that?] And it's not about that. It's more that they disapprove of each other's... professions. To put it very simply and not getting into ridiculousness of it all.

So it's just... easier not to tell him about it. Saves him the trouble of worrying.

[This is what Castle has been wrestling with since he got here.]

I think it depends on the relationship and how you feel about the person. I mean, if you loved them more than anything you might be willing to wait forever.

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003 ☆ Voice ☆ Both Courts

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