video » One Penny

[impathy]

[Open]

It's a fine day for sunshine. I find myself pitying those who choose to live beneath stones and only play at seeing sunlight. The real thing is not so easy to replicate. It seems to be getting warmer as well. Summer Is Coming, as they might say in my own Westerlands. If there is anything to love about this world, it is the peculiarly short seasons. It is a strange thing to have them all wrapped up in one year. I find myself wondering how it is you're able to keep track of them when they each go by so swiftly. It is near spring, but I'm told it will only be a few months long with more certainty than even the wisest maesters can manage - and this from an ill-bred soldier with scant few hairs on his lip.

I will say this for the south, however. It is blessed with very few imps.

[Locked to the Unseelie]

I've spent an uncomfortably long time in Seelie lands these past few weeks, though I am to understand a fairy ring is not so far off ahead of me. Would that we had such things in my own seven kingdoms, I might have done a fair bit more traveling. Though I confess I find it terribly disappoint how utterly small this world is made out to be. Is it truly a void beyond the oceans? I would imagine that it could not have always been that way. Certainly there had to be something far off out there, beyond where ships are able to reach.

In any case, I do have a point beyond the tedium of long riding. My name is Tyrion Lannister, which may not merit much weight here, but I was known as the King's Hand and the Master of Coin where I was from. I excelled in both duties and while I have no mind to butcher my features in further battles, I would see my skills put to proper use still. There is a certain spire that I feel might benefit from my talents and so it is there I mean to go. But I am given to understand there are a number of spires in all and would be only too glad to find other similar minded individuals to begin making certain investments. I do not yet have all my wealth at my disposal, but I promise you I always pay my due. A Lannister always pays his debts.

There is one other matter. Briefly for a time there were two of my kin here. My brother Jaime Lannister and my bastard nephew, Joffrey. Did anyone perchance to meet either of them? I know they are long gone from this world, but I would be interested to know if there was anything they might have left behind.

Comments

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[tacticalturtleneck]

Are you like...the rich little guy? Because that's literally a stereotype that I've never seen in my life. This is like the first time someone opens up TVTropes and discovers a whole new world.

TVTropes is a shit website by the way.

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[impathy]

You seem to speak in all manners of shit, ser. But I am shorter than some and wealthier than most. Though as of yet, the monarchs have not seen fit to give all that is owed me.

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[tacticalturtleneck]

I'm not talking through my ass quite yet. I'll warn you when it happens though. But why don't you just like...steal more gold.

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[impathy]

And what would that gain me? A petty thief steals only enough to eat, but a skilled courtier can steal enough to keep other mouths empty.

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[tacticalturtleneck]

Petty? I'm not talking about Robin Hood shit.

Whatever, not the point. The point is, I think my pal has a fetish for your type and totally wants me to hire you. So if you want your own river fort, some viking longboats, and marines to man them, you're hired.

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[impathy]

[Well... that's generous. He finds himself reminded of Robert who was always so carelessly generous. This was a man who desperately needed a steward to keep his incomes managed. Mayhaps Tyrion can manage this man's finances better than Robert ever did.]

A tempting proposition, to be sure. Yet neither of us know the other. Who are you to be so generous?

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[tacticalturtleneck]

Baron Archer. You've probably heard of me because I'm not a hipster. Also because I'm incredibly badass.

[Yeah, his finances are shit. Ironically, just like Robert's because it's all spent on partying.]

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[impathy]

[Tyrion isn't certain why Archer would share the sorry state of his posterior, but lords can often be queer fellows.]

As it happens, I have. A baron at the mouth of the Forodwaith. And your other fort is managed by... the Summers girl. [Summers is said carefully, because she might be a bastard, but there was no need to be cruel about it.]

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[tacticalturtleneck]

[Slowly blinking.]

Is this one of those "I'm not racist but..." kind of things? But with white women. Because it sounds like it. But you're not wrong, I'll tell you that.

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[impathy]

Not at all. I find her agreeable. It does not surprise me that you keep her around. I would do the same had I chanced to come upon her first.

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[tacticalturtleneck]

Keep her around? I'm pretty sure she just hangs around because I'm hot. And she likes commanding soldiers.

So you going to do this fort thing?

Look, I'll sweeten the deal. I'm making this world's first War College. Yeah, that's right, this awesome spire is going to be the center of Unseelie's new and improved military. Which means the next time you go to one of those Unseelie parties, you'll be swarmed by people who want to be as awesome as us. All those women nobles will get in the pants of anyone who look like they're going to have power, if you know what I mean.

Only saying this because Buffy wants you pretty badly, by the way.

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[impathy]

I will need to look at the fort, baron. If your Buffy wants me this badly, then it is likely she likes things small. I prefer much larger things, especially in my forts. If I find it suits me, I might very well teach at this War College for you.

[Still, he did not think there was any great reason why Summers would desire him. Perhaps she did not yet realize he was a dwarf.]

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[herotypical]

[ archer!

buffy lowers her voice into a whisper over the lockets -- despite having made their conversation a private one. such skulduggery merely requires whispering. ] Woo him! Hire him! He knows things -- about gold and sieges. And he knows how to talk like he's not the most boring person in the world ever. [ unlike 99% of the rest of these old world folk. ]

Whatever the other Spire-lords are offering him? Double it.

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[tacticalturtleneck]

Hahaha. You like midgets!

[Don't mind him as he laughs.]

Hahaha, oh goooooooooood.

Seriously though, what am I supposed to do? Give him the other river fort?

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[herotypical]

[ and this is the part where buffy actually has to take a moment to realize that this tyrion guy is anything but the crass modern society definition of normal. these lockets need bigger...screens. ]

Well. No. Not at first. What kind of idiot picks a stranger off the street and gives them a whole fort? That's stupid.

[ ...stupid like exactly what archer did for buffy. whoops. ] He'll have to prove himself. Obviously.

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[tacticalturtleneck]

Uh, I did it for you? What are you, some kind of misandrist? Would you like a fedora for that, ma'am?

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[herotypical]

Uh. No. [ fedoras are ugly, dude. ] But you're a big-time baron, now. When we met? We were both nobodies. So it's alright for one nobody to recruit another. But now you have a rep to consider.

[ listen. you know she's right. ] Talk him into visiting and then we'll see if he's right for us. [ like adopting a stray dog. ]

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[tacticalturtleneck]

Screw that. Professor Spaniard said that if I keep up on how I'm going, Morla will totally bang me. So I'm totally doing this.

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[herotypical]

You're doing all of this because--

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[herotypical]

[ oh jesus mary and joesph. ]

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[herotypical]

I'll bet twenty marks that hiring him will get you some serious brownie points with Her Majesty. [ she doesn't really think this; she also just doesn't really care. she wants those siege tactics locked up in tyrion's mind -- the ones he so barely half-bragged about so they must be true. ]

[tacticalturtleneck]

Done.

Dude, these parties are going to be [hold on, doing a valley girl accent] awesooooooooooooooooooooome.

[herotypical]

I didn't realise awesome also carried the definition of being frequently blood-spattered and never having enough firewood for the...hearth.

It's called a hearth, right?

[tacticalturtleneck]

What is this, the 1400s?

Wait, why did I even ask that. Just call it a bonfire or something.

[herotypical]

This is exactly the 1400s, you-- [ oh why bother. he already chastised himself. ]

You up-sell the retirement package. [ back to head-hunting tyrion, ok. ] I'll wax glorious about our lovely bonfires. But try not to go into too much detail about the imps. I don't think he likes them very much.