eachdraidh | video » One Penny

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It's a fine day for sunshine. I find myself pitying those who choose to live beneath stones and only play at seeing sunlight. The real thing is not so easy to replicate. It seems to be getting warmer as well. Summer Is Coming, as they might say in my own Westerlands. If there is anything to love about this world, it is the peculiarly short seasons. It is a strange thing to have them all wrapped up in one year. I find myself wondering how it is you're able to keep track of them when they each go by so swiftly. It is near spring, but I'm told it will only be a few months long with more certainty than even the wisest maesters can manage - and this from an ill-bred soldier with scant few hairs on his lip.

I will say this for the south, however. It is blessed with very few imps.

[Locked to the Unseelie]

I've spent an uncomfortably long time in Seelie lands these past few weeks, though I am to understand a fairy ring is not so far off ahead of me. Would that we had such things in my own seven kingdoms, I might have done a fair bit more traveling. Though I confess I find it terribly disappoint how utterly small this world is made out to be. Is it truly a void beyond the oceans? I would imagine that it could not have always been that way. Certainly there had to be something far off out there, beyond where ships are able to reach.

In any case, I do have a point beyond the tedium of long riding. My name is Tyrion Lannister, which may not merit much weight here, but I was known as the King's Hand and the Master of Coin where I was from. I excelled in both duties and while I have no mind to butcher my features in further battles, I would see my skills put to proper use still. There is a certain spire that I feel might benefit from my talents and so it is there I mean to go. But I am given to understand there are a number of spires in all and would be only too glad to find other similar minded individuals to begin making certain investments. I do not yet have all my wealth at my disposal, but I promise you I always pay my due. A Lannister always pays his debts.

There is one other matter. Briefly for a time there were two of my kin here. My brother Jaime Lannister and my bastard nephew, Joffrey. Did anyone perchance to meet either of them? I know they are long gone from this world, but I would be interested to know if there was anything they might have left behind.

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[Well... that's generous. He finds himself reminded of Robert who was always so carelessly generous. This was a man who desperately needed a steward to keep his incomes managed. Mayhaps Tyrion can manage this man's finances better than Robert ever did.]

A tempting proposition, to be sure. Yet neither of us know the other. Who are you to be so generous?

Baron Archer. You've probably heard of me because I'm not a hipster. Also because I'm incredibly badass.

[Yeah, his finances are shit. Ironically, just like Robert's because it's all spent on partying.]

[Tyrion isn't certain why Archer would share the sorry state of his posterior, but lords can often be queer fellows.]

As it happens, I have. A baron at the mouth of the Forodwaith. And your other fort is managed by... the Summers girl. [Summers is said carefully, because she might be a bastard, but there was no need to be cruel about it.]

[Slowly blinking.]

Is this one of those "I'm not racist but..." kind of things? But with white women. Because it sounds like it. But you're not wrong, I'll tell you that.

Not at all. I find her agreeable. It does not surprise me that you keep her around. I would do the same had I chanced to come upon her first.

Keep her around? I'm pretty sure she just hangs around because I'm hot. And she likes commanding soldiers.

So you going to do this fort thing?

Look, I'll sweeten the deal. I'm making this world's first War College. Yeah, that's right, this awesome spire is going to be the center of Unseelie's new and improved military. Which means the next time you go to one of those Unseelie parties, you'll be swarmed by people who want to be as awesome as us. All those women nobles will get in the pants of anyone who look like they're going to have power, if you know what I mean.

Only saying this because Buffy wants you pretty badly, by the way.

I will need to look at the fort, baron. If your Buffy wants me this badly, then it is likely she likes things small. I prefer much larger things, especially in my forts. If I find it suits me, I might very well teach at this War College for you.

[Still, he did not think there was any great reason why Summers would desire him. Perhaps she did not yet realize he was a dwarf.]

Good luck finding me.

That's sarcasm by the way because if you can't find me, you need to learn how to read a goddamn map.

I think I can manage a map at least, though I note your spire is not yet important enough to be named on mine.

I haven't decided on a name, ass.

That and the actual spire itself isn't done yet.

[What is building everything else first.]

It will need a name, even if it means simply borrowing from the surrounding lands. Even Rivermouth would make a better name than simply Archer's Spire.

[But then the Westerosi were fairly straightforward in how they named their lands. No one was about to receive a prize for a region named the Westerlands.]

Well, duh. Archer's Spire is lacking pizzazz. I'm stuck between Spire Archer or Babou.

I dread to ask... but Babou?

That's the name of my ocelot. I know, you're jealous but it's okay. I'm sure he'll love you too.

[He knew what that was at least, though he'd only seen crude pictures in the bestiaries from distant lands.]

Only a cat of a different coat. And not a terribly large one, is it? A lion might suit you better.

Dude, have you even met Saber? If I tried to claim a lion, she'd probably challenge me to some kind of duel. Or however ancient medieval people did it.

And why should she do that? Has she some claim on all lions?

I swear to god, she's got a thing for lions. I don't question it because that hole is too deep for my mind.

Then you had best prepare for your duel, baron. I might not be as large as my kin, but I am a lion of Lannister all the same. [He grins wickedly.] Is this Saber an attractive woman? If she is so smitten with lions, I would be only too pleased to oblige her.

Yeah, about that. Tried it already and she's got a wife or something. It's supposed to be super progressive, I suppose.

[Two women wed? Well, this is certainly a fun sort of world he's stumbled into.]

I find little to object in that arrangement. Four breasts have always been better than two.

Except when either one will murder you for trying to make the other unfaithful. Look, why don't you just bang some mermaids? It's a lot more fun anyway.

A tempting notion, only I might find it hard to pleasure her if there's nothing between her legs due to a distinct lack of legs. [Because... really, what's even going down in that scaly half?]

Pleasure....her? Huh?

Pleasure, yes. You do know the meaning of the word, I hope.

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