eachdraidh | 4 ☭ ENCRYPTED TEXT | JAN 1

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4 ☭ ENCRYPTED TEXT | JAN 1 | OPEN TO BOTH COURTS

[ everything is great and dandy and shit, but, luke's been trying to escape these four cows for a long-ass time. some in caer glaem may have seen four ladies eating the grass and gossiping, perhaps even speaking to two snakes as they all sit around in their mother's meeting and have a little giggle. luke wants to get the fuck out of cow dodge — to be reminded hermes is a cow fucker and won a bet to trade for a herd of cows makes him a disgrace in luke's eyes. ]

[ and because he's the tech master, his locket identifier changes to ophiotaurus and the broadcast has a few nifty things attached to it, like blinking, glittery text. ]

SPECIAL CHRISTMAS SALE

Step right up, folks, and get your own talking, mooing, milk-giving, butter-making cow! A nice chocolate brown, she'll tend to your lawn like there's no tomorrow! Free milk, free conversation, and a hell of a lot of meat if you're into that. Pretty sure that milk is made of gold, too ...

All you need to do is offer up an object for trade and you've got yourself a deal.

Delivery is free. Guaranteed item the moment you trade. Please give it and a rat (it's only courteous!) to the snake delivering your cow.

WHILE STOCKS LAST!

NO REFUNDS!!!

( please note calliope, cleo, ero, and hymn will return to luke after a day of their own free will! they're loyal to only him, so, they're going to be boomerangs, much to his displeasure. he will not be giving anything back without someone doing a few things for him — these cows gossip, so please be aware they will return to him with some info about your dude (so please lmk what you want them to know)! feel free to continue trying to buy a cow, luke really wants to get rid of them atm. )

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A talking cow?

[Grainne. No. Stop.]

[ no, grainne, never stop. ]

A very talkative cow! Ever find yourself longing for a voice to just break the boring and haunting silence?

One of these talking cows may be just for you. ;)

[ and you know what luke's going to do? without capturing himself on camera, he puts cleo on display. horns, black patch on her face, and all. outside caer glaem, he's with his cows, but he doesn't get the other ladies in view, unfortunately. he captures her mid-conversation, talking to what grainne may presume to be her feet (but, truthfully, it's a snake out of view). ] — are very bad for you, you know. They carry the plague! You should really consider talking to your husband, honey. It won't end very well for him …

[ and then it abruptly ends. ]

Oh!

[It is both a sound of delight and surprise. A faerie cow, just like the one in Cu Chulainn's story! He would be so surprised if she brought one around...]

Is there... is there one that loves stories?

[Someone Grainne can talk to in those long hours where Diarmuid's away... not a bad thing at all!]

[ acting as though his locket is a cellphone, he presses his hand over what he can only assume is the mouthpiece as he looks toward the cows and repeats grainne's question back toward them. and that's hopeless, considering they all say yes! ]

What kind of stories are you thinking about? We've got historical, love, and Biblical.

[Biblical? Grainne's never heard of that one.]

Er, historical and love?

[ biblical's a little interesting if you can trap that particular cow into dropping the dirty gossip on sacred things and the historical people who were around to make the ancient tomes about them. he'd skip that particular cow, too. she's got an attitude. ]

One likes to talk about history like it's never going out of fashion. Anthony, Julius, and Cleopatra are apparently not as we think it to be. The other likes her romance tales. Romeo and Juliet? Julius and Cleopatra? Apparently more romantic than tragic to her.

Pick your poison. Both are capable of putting you to sleep.

[The only name she really hears that sounds familiar is Julius and that's only a vague reference to some Roman emperor.

History seems like it would be a good thing to choose, with so many people being from a time after she lived. She could get all caught up talking to the cow!

Who was Romeo and Juliet though?]

I do not think any of this would put me to sleep. It all sounds so interesting...

Would you take a large pouch of medicines and healing aids for the love story cow?

[Okay, she admits it. She's a sucker for love tales and curious to boot.]

[ score! a job well done that will only be thwarted in twenty-four hours time. he's more than prepared to give up ero — she continuously tries to start an argument with him (as he purposefully goads her by dismissing love ever existing, despite having met and heard stories about the goddess of love herself). ]

Sure.

[ it's an easy sell for him. ]

Her name's Cleo. Hope you're a fan of birds — she seems to attract them with her idiotic blabbering about love and all that junk.

What's the name I need to put on the mailing label for this loving cow?

Grainne. I am already at the Caer, but I plan on setting out in a few hours.

[Her eyes light up. Company on her journey to the Station! Someone to share tales with!

She's going to be heartbroken when the cow-friend leaves.]

Well, Grainne. Cleo will be delivered to you before you set out.

Tip, though: Keep a rat on hand. The delivery's a bit demanding. And the snakes don't bite. ;)

[The lady is very happy it's kind of sad she won't get to keep the cow.]

I will! And one pouch of medicines, too.

[ he was kind of expecting her to scream. being given the unexpected ... it's kind of nice. ]

Medicines, huh? Know anything that will glue someone's mouth shut?

[ george and martha keep singing ... he needs something to help him make them stop (even though nothing will shut two ancient greek snakes up). ]

[ sokka has never actually heard of a cow cow — a hippo cow, sure, but just a cow? it must be some kind of really rare animal like the earth king's bear ... which is just a bear. sokka still doesn't understand how bosco is just a bear, but that's really a subject for investigation for another day. this cow has really taken sokka's interest ... and he's into meat! he's really into meat. it's like his favorite thing. he wonders what a cow would taste like, because it probably doesn't taste much like a hippo cow. ]

[ — wait. did it say the cow could talk? ]

Hey! I'll take one! I mean, I don't know about you, buddy, but I think you'd look a lot better in green than I would. [ awkwardly, he holds up the earth kingdom robes he arrived in. look at these robes, luke. aren't they beautiful. ] They're royal robes, actually, probably made of the finest silks in the Earth Kingdom. So whaddya say? [ he looks so hopeful; he has no idea luke is going to totally scam him. ] Deal?

[ luke doesn't know what an earth kingdom is. though he may know almost every city in the world, even if he's never been, he's never, ever heard of an earth kingdom. this guy must be one of the martians from those alternate universes where he's either stuck in the 1800s reliving the arthurian lifestyle or he's from the future where skynet's trying to kill john connor. ]

[ what sucks for sokka, it rocks for luke. ]

You're royalty?

[ sokka is from neither of those time periods, thank you very much, luke. it's more like medieval eastern asia, which puts him pretty far behind the ~modern times~ luke is so familiar with. even the text feature on the lockets, for example, is technology miles ahead of anything sokka knows about, but it's pretty easy to figure out when it does most of the work for you — how is still something sokka's trying to figure out. ]

Who, me? Ha ha, no, I just KNOW royalty. My best friend is royalty. He's the Fire Lord. I got the robes from the Earth King. We were sort of helping him with a THING before all THIS happened.

[ it'd be nice to get back to that thing, actually, but he's guessing he probably won't be making it back home anytime soon, considering how long zuko's been here. ]

Is the Earth King's kingdom a garden?

[ is this nerd talking about potted plants? what in hera's name is a fire lord? luke thought the gods had weird names and titles they preferred to go by, but this medieval asian not arthurian dude takes the cake. ]

Scratch that. You're frends with the Fire Lord. I think you can offer me a little more if I give you my best talking cow.

[ wow, excuse you, luke. sokka is not a nerd and he most certainly isn't talking about potted plants, either. ]

Uh. No? It's just a regular kingdom. But that's where all the earthbenders come from. Although I don't think the Earth King is actually a bender...

[ anyway, that's not the point. the point is he really wants this cow and it's totally a great investment, right??? zuko won't be mad at all if he maybe buys this cow with actual money... ]

I've got gold!! Probably enough to buy a couple pretty awesome robes.

[ so, an environmentalist. none of that makes a lick of sense to luke, and while he's curious to find out what any of that crap is, it's not really the intent of this entire advertisement. ]

[ though he has all the gold he could ever ask for, he shrugs his shoulders. he could always use some more. ]

Deal.

You can make the cheque out to Ophiotaurus. And I'll send Calliope on her way.

... To whom am I sending her to?

[ score!!!! sokka has never been so excited about purchasing an animal except for the time he bought hawky. that was pretty exciting, having his own fire nation messenger bird. he never did come back, though, so maybe he wasn't a very good messenger. ]

Oh, my name's Soccer! What? No, not Soccer, SOCK UH. SOCK UH. SOCK

[ ugh, forget it. obviously this locket doesn't know how to spell his name, either. ]

It's S-O-K-K-A. Sokka. It's pronounced with an ock uh.

[ luke will admit he laughed. he can't help it; when someone show very little skill in the area he can easily manipulate in his sleep, he gets enjoyment. does that make him a bad guy? maybe. but does that make this any less hilarious? no. ]

Okay, Beckham. If you keep bending your pronunciation like that, you'll only program it to never pick up your name.

Where can my special deliverers find you?

[ oh, obi-wan lukenobi, you are his only hope ... for ever learning how to use this damn thing properly. and for programming it with hilarious ringtones. sadly, the bend it like beckham joke goes straight over his head. ]

What's a Beckham? And how do I not ... pronunciationbend? I mean, I'm in Caer Scima right now. Unless you need a more specific location than that?

[ please send to the fire lord suite, tyvm. ]

A talking cow?

[ because, you know, this place didn't have enough strange stuff in it already, let's add talking farm animals into it too! ]

[ oh, gods. percy — though, it does work in his favour percy doesn't really know him all that well. can percy even read the wikipedia page on hermes and apollo? he doubts this kid even knows his dad has a soft spot for cows, whether they talk or not. ]

A non-stop talking cow! You'll never, ever, ever feel like you're the only fish in the sea ever again ...

[ well, that definitely makes him second guess. because between the 'ophiotaurus' label, and that line, Percy figures it's a demigod. ]

Pass. I have enough people and animals in my life that can't stop talking.

[ but any demigod he can think of is probably a lame demigod. ]

[ unless it's luke. then he better think this is the best damn thing ever or else he's going to get a whole box of rat carcasses left on his doorstep. ]

These cows offer great conversation.

And butter.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

4 ☭ ENCRYPTED TEXT | JAN 1 | OPEN TO BOTH COURTS

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