eachdraidh | video; unseelie.

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video; unseelie.

Well, now that that silver nonsense seems to be sorted out, I think we need to start talking about things we can actually fight back when they attack us.

[ About as direct a greeting into the topic of this message as you can get. Katsa sits somewhere outdoors, cross-legged in the grass with her locket angled to show the sky clear behind her: fitting for the mismatched colors of her eyes, unusually bright green and blue. ]

I know our High Majestic King and Queen [ the titles spoken with a hint of irony ] don't seem to care always how old someone is or how much experience you've with weapons or fighting when they decide to claim you. Whatever you think of this war, whether you'd rather run right into the Void right now or wait for it to come to you, everyone here should have the skills to unlock their own strength. It's better that you've the ability to jam a knife into a man's eyeball and never have to do it than find yourself at the end of an attacker's blade with no way to get out of it. You shouldn't have to rely on anyone else.

So I'll teach you if you've no experience of your own. I usually teach young girls—children—but I'll not turn my back if you need it. That includes how to use your shard—the thing that Seelie will try to take right out of your chest.

[ She moves to close the locket—then halts, fumbles, and picks something off the ground to hold flat in her palm to show anyone watching. ]

And what in the name of the Middluns am I supposed to do with this?

[ WHO HAS TURTLE CARE TIPS???? ]

( dated after boon delivery on the 25th! )

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[ Katsa resists the urge to grip at her hair in frustration, but it’s a near thing. ]

Elizabeth, in the name of the Middluns, if you keep speaking to me as though we’re both standing in front of three kings in a court you’re going to send me blazing mad. I don’t care if you plan to learn slower than an injured bear trying to climb up a mountain. It will just mean more reason for me to teach you myself and alone and gladly.

[ She stops and takes a deep breath, settling herself as Elizabeth quiets. As she softens so does Katsa. ]

I’ll not die, Elizabeth. [ If there is one thing in which Katsa is most determined, it is this. ] I won’t. But if you think that you will, always tell me. Whether it’s a person or a sickness—whatever it is, I’ll kill the thing that threatens you.

I know not how else to speak to you! ( An overload of emotion causes her to snap suddenly, though the outburst clearly shocks her if the look in her eyes is aught to judge by. ) I.. forgive me.

( The hurt that has lain there untouched for weeks is still right where she had left it; a hard knot in her throat, and twist in her gut. Swallowing hard, she finds a need to glance away. )

That time by the water, I wanted so badly to be part of you. For you to be part of me. To have a connection that is tangible, and not at all easily broken. My memory has been altered once already; what if the same manner of magic assaults you or I, and we forgot all we have built between us here? The thought would never have occurred to me prior to my disappearance, but.. oh, Katsa, I am so very frightened that by some means beyond my control, one day I might lose this. As I have lost most of my family, and shall never again see my relations whom still live. Can you understand?

( She is not asking her to go through with what she is talking about, or even to consider it. Nor excuse her behaviour surrounding the topic. Merely to understand. She takes a breath, and shakes her head. )

I could never lose you. I would destroy any threat to you, or lay down my own life in the doing of it. ( Now she finally looks up, and her gaze swims with anguish and love for her. ) There is truly none like you, in this world or any other.

( Katsa has been the first to make her such assurance, from the very beginning. And they have never ceased to take her breath away and leave her chest tightened well past the point of discomfort. )

I will love you until the day I die. Beyond, even.

[ With that outburst Katsa is wholly taken aback, and her jaw drops; she's left staring wordlessly at her locket, waiting for Elizabeth to finish without a clue what she ought to say. By the time Elizabeth is done, Katsa is startled—even upset further than she already is—to realize her own eyes are hot and wet. ]

I don't—

[ She can't ever understand what Elizabeth means by a connection that is tangible. Their relationship is already tangible to Katsa, that it can affect her as much as it does. They've shared experiences that no one else ever can, forged in that bloody day at Caer Scima. Love is tangible, and it is more reliable than they what they've each shared with their uncles. Katsa can understand the use of the word sister. It is strange, like it was when she had first begun to toy with the idea of lover, but it similarly seems to fit. It's a word that ties but does not feel as though it would trap either of them, if something were to happen between them as it did between Katsa and Hermione. But a physical act, or a magical one—something like that would be different.

...Or would it? Would it simply be the same as the risk Katsa had taken when she'd become Po's lover and then discovered that she could share his bed but not loser herself in the process? Or would it be the same as marriage, a trap into forever?

She is, for all she thinks that she has learned, still frustratingly stupid. Elizabeth must be growing tired of her inability to understand. ]

I don't understand. [ Frustrated, and still welling up with frustrated tears, because she's trying to. Here is what terrifies her most about how she chooses to relate to other people, to form bonds: that Katsa can only inevitably break those bonds and cause pain, because of how she chooses to live her own life. ] I don't know what to say. Only that I feel you already are a part of me, even having seen so much and so many disappear over these years; but that losing it all over again still frightens me, too.

( Elizabeth's face is covered with tracks left by her tears, and intrepid new ones seeking to forge new routes down along her cheeks and nose. She inhales a deep, shaky breath, feeling her heart rest heavily in her chest. Perhaps she is still in the process of being turned to silver. That is certainly how she feels now, weighted and leaden. )

I was born the eldest of ten. There are but six of us left living, and I am fortunate indeed that my memory of them was not snatched from my mind along with the month I have lost. Someone entered my mind and did something to my memory. Where was I for that month long, Katsa? Do you know? I do not. Whether I was asleep, in the Void, at home—I may never know. Whomever did this to me did so with tremendous ease.

( When it comes to belonging to someone as their property, as in marriage, Elizabeth well understands Katsa's aversion to it. She shares in it. But as for the rest? No. As much as she is wary of her family's cannibalistic tendencies at home, felling their own like a rabid fox, she still could not live without her connection to them. Which transcends time and distance, so that even if her memory is altered again, her heart would know them. Would that be so with the loved-ones she has here?

She would like to think so. But the unknown frightens her. The look on her face reflects that, as she bites the inside of her cheek, nostrils flaring as she exhales deeply. ) I do not want to own you! I would never presume..

( She breaks off again, upset, and dashes a frustrated hand across her face to smear away the tears. )

I want you to be a part of me. My body, my spirit, my blood. I would be certain in that fact that should my memory be robbed from me tomorrow, those other aspects of myself would knowever hurt you again whilst I draw breath.

[ They're both crying, and Katsa realizes this and fumbles to make sure this conversation is locked to the rest of the world even as she gives her own impassioned response. ]

I don't think you should ever wish to own me. I never would! But it is not so much the wishing—

[ She grits her jaw and fights against her tears. Entering her mind, taking her memory, all with unnatural ease: this that Elizabeth is saying is affecting Katsa as much as the rest. She might have recovered from the worst of her explosive anger and grief after that experience, but with those words there would be no power that could keep Katsa from remembering how it had felt to realize what had happened to her but still not be able to have the full story. She has spoken about the experience with a very, very few; she does not speak of it now, though she takes time enough to calm herself before she speaks again.

She swallows hard and ignores the crack in her voice while she tries to keep it steady. ]

I'm already hurting you, Elizabeth. And I don't wish for you to feel that pain. I know that we want the same thing in the end. It's only—I don't want to change.

Would it be all right if I think about it for a while?

( Privacy for which she is very grateful as she entreats further, her still filling with tears. )

No! I would never. Nor would you be aught other than my home and my comfort, as would I be yours. Your support, your strength, and so much more. I have not ceased to belong to myself simply because I am but one of six living siblings. They are half of me, in boy and in blood. My immortal soul, and my heart are mine. You belong among family, not to them. I am fortunate to have known that, I know!

There is naught else like it in all the world. Nothing.

( What she is saying is not that what they have is not enough, so much as she, herself is willing to give her more. Willingly, freely and of her own accord. Love is freely given, and never taken as her Uncle had done with her. This, though it causes them pain, is such a critical step for her. That she offers it at all, once again after being rejected once speaks of its importance. She is taking back herself, but also in turn extending herself to those whom deserve to hold more of her.

There exists but three of them, and she would give them all of her and more were it in her power to do so. Her breath catches, and she coughs, but does not look away. There is an intensity about her which she refuses to abate.

Though by this point, just breathing and speaking properly would be a Herculean feat for them both. )

Please do. ( Her voice is hushed and raspy now, and she swallows hard against a sob. ) No matter what, how I feel about you will never change. I love you, more than almost any other in any world. I beg you never to forget it.

[ Katsa rubs her forehead and takes a deep, long breath. ]

Oh, Elizabeth. I know that. I’ll not forget. I can’t forget, when you must know I feel the same.

[ She does not want to say that she doesn’t know where she belongs; that it’s the promise that feelings will never change, that no one can ever truly promise; explain to Elizabeth that even in belonging there is something she does not understand.

Love is terrifying. New, and terrifying, and of so many different kinds that Katsa still struggles with understanding where she will go with each instance of it. ]

Nothing has changed between us.

I do. And I am aware that this—all of this is much less familiar to your heart than it is to mine. It is natural to be wary of it. There will be times when I may unwittingly make you angry or sad.

( Like right now, actually. She sucks in a deep breath at the irony. ) But I have always wanted only for you to be happy. And if I can, I will do whatever I must to ensure that you are.

( That is love, putting the happiness of someone else before one's own, in her point of view. A certainty that you would die for them, and they for you. Katsa is right; in that, the most important of things, nothing has changed from the first. And she is confident that it never will.

Though they both look a mess, and her own eyes and cheeks are red, puffy and wet with her tears, she manages a small, brave smile. )

No. But if a day should come in which we somehow find ourselves closer than we are, I would embrace it, and you with open arms.

I'm not so worried about what you will do to me, Elizabeth.

[ The implication is strong and heavy: Katsa knows she will unwittingly make Elizabeth angry or sad. She already has. She cannot promise the wishes and desires of her heart, and she does not like the thought that she might cause someone pain. ]

You may embrace me as we are now too, you know.

[ Said as drily as Katsa ever says anything—but for someone who knows her, it might be read as the quip it's (mostly) intended to be.

It's time to shove off all this difficult, emotional business, as well as she can. ]

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