eachdraidh | video; Open to all

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Look, let's make something clear here.

[DEEP BREATH.]

Killing other people? Who cares. I can name about a billion people who don't even deserve to take another breath.

Killing alligators and crocodiles? Wipe them out. What are they good for other than looking stupid and starring in movies that are only awesome because of the actors.

But...

But...

Killing the King of Beasts? Not cool at all. He's probably this super awesome creature who just wants to hang out, drink a beer, and have fun but nooooooooooooo. You idiots have to run around and act like he needs to be dead.

I don't want to hear shit about how it wants to be killed. Assisted suicide is sick! Just catch him and take him to a psychologist or something. Don't enable that kind of thing. It's racist...or something along those lines.

Jesus.

[Don't mind him as he drains this bottle of alcohol. A rant like that makes his throat dry, that's all.]

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This is the part where you say, "Please tell me where you sleep so I can jump in your bed".

[ . . . ]

[did he

did he really

excuse her for a second before she breaks out into laughter, like he just told the funniest joke in the world.]

Hahaha, yeah, as if I'd accept that from you.

Seriously, dye your hair back to a normal color. This isn't post-atomic bomb Japan, where weird shit is normal.

Thinking a top model would fashion advice from a man who lacks even a single shred of beauty. You really are a fool.

Well, duh. I'm 100% rock solid man. If I had any beauty, I'd be gay. Which I'm not.

You're about as stylish as a rock, and I'm willing to bet just as graceful.

My dick is about as hard as a rock right now too.

Just saying.

That sounds like a personal problem.

[an emotionally masochistic spy. who knew?]

Yes, an in person problem you can easily solve.

That's an offer, by the way.

Not even in your dreams.

[unless your dreams involve you being turned into plant fertilizer.]

My dreams, as you can already tell, are pretty crazy.

Let's make this clear. Your hair kind of sucks but you're right in my strike zone for attractiveness. And, let's be honest. I'm pretty hot. Might as well make this happen.

I would only ever consider it if you managed to meet a model's standards of beauty and could beat me in a proper battle.

[and she's being merciful by even saying she'd consider. but then again, she's certain that she could rip him to shreds without even any real effort.]

Proper battle? Since when are battles proper? That's kind of like an oxymoronic statement. Would you ever say "attractive neckbeard"? No.

I mean a one-on-one battle that follows the rules and customs of my world. No magic involved.

Why your world and not mine? I mean, if we're on this subject, my world is probably objectively superior.

Why not my world? Unless you don't think you can keep up?

[plus, it's been too long since she got to fight anything other than sparring partners and demon dogs.]

Because I'm not a fucking moron!

No magic allowed? I've seen enough to know where that goes! It means you're probably going to whip out some kind of genetic mutation and fleece my guts while screaming "IT'S NOT MAGIIIIIIIIIIC!!!".

Genetic mutation...

[she reaches off screen to pick up her pipe, taking a drag and then exhaling the smoke. she needs it before she breaks her composure and starts laughing again.]

No. That's the realm of science fiction.

Scientifically, that's arguable. I mean, we already have cyborgs and stuff. Who knows what Commie crackpot scientist has tried to do to the human genome.

Are you genetically mutated?

[fair question, and it would also explain his behavior.]

No, I'm just the best special agent and spy on the planet Earth. If awesome is a superpower, then yes, I'm totally a mutant.

Then there's even more reason that we should proceed according to the rules of my world. If you want acknowledgement of your capabilities as a spy, then you should be able to find out how to battle me.

....I get to know the choice of weapons a week ahead of time.

Three days ahead of time.

Edited 2014-12-11 23:18 (UTC)

Fine. But if I win, you're totally banging me.

(no subject)

topmodel - 2014-12-12 05:18 (UTC) - Expand

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